Kudzu and Koolaid

This one's for the girls...

2012-01-21T14:09:00.002-05:00

I like you. Do you like me?

[ ] yes [ ] no

and so begins our affair with love...

pick me...
choose me...
me...
me...
me...

With Ludicris proclaiming...

...i'm only gonna break your heart and shatter and splatter it all into little bitty pieces. Whether or not you get it all together, then it's finders keepers and losers weepers...

Rhianna pleads...

...want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. like I'm the only one that knows your heart...

When you take a heart that wants to be the only one that you'll ever love and mix it with a motive to only break your heart...

you end up with pieces of your soul torn away...

and you listen and believe...

and Adele plaintively rolls around with you and you think it's not crazy to want someone else like him.

you know.

him.

the one currently responsible

for the condition of your heart....

and Tammy Wynette, from the distant past, tells you, 'he's just a man.'

and Kelly Clarkson reminds you, '' he don't know nothing bout you.''

When the truth is, he does. He does know. He knows your soul.

But it's far easier to bellow angsty, woman power lyrics than it is to acknowledge the pain.

and it gets confused, this thing we learn to call love...

But love, as defined by The Great Love is this:

it doesn't flit around, because it is patient...

it doesn't deliberately cause pain, because it is kind...

it doesn't test the waters...see what else is out there...or volley between people, because it does not dishonor others and isn't self seeking...

it doesn't get snarky and manipulative and retaliate, because it is not easily angered...

it doesn't remind you of your past, because it doesn't keep score...

it doesn't find any measure of pay off in telling lies, because it rejoices in truth...

it doesn't hurt, because it protects.

it doesn't misled, because it trusts.

it doesn't give up, because it always hopes.

and

it doesn't walk away, because it preservers.

Love is worth fighting for but it is not something for which you are always fighting...

Love is not optional.

...

2012-01-17T14:08:00.002-05:00

What's the word for when your heart breaks and you never intended for it to...

what is that sound, you swear, it must be audible...

death...click

betrayal...click

fired...click

miscarriage...click

cancer...click

click...
click...
click..

the words fall through muddled understanding...
you hear them
but you can't be hearing correctly...
can you?
you can't seem to distinguish the intonation...
over
the
clicking...
the clicks,
your heart, marking moments...
moments you never, ever imagined...

your breath stuck
somewhere between actually breathing...

you make it through the moment...
the day...
and your heart has the audacity
to keep beating...

our hearts break and we recover...
because the God that created us put within us a desire...

a strength to believe
better things will happen

a longing to become
what He intended

a promise to listen
when we cry out , ''why'' ...

a resilience that whispers
through a sadness that catches your breath...still

LIVE

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of..."

John 10:10 MSG

draped

2011-03-23T10:22:00.003-04:00

Prancing around, flaunting the fashion...
the finest
the best...
in your own eyes
but much like the emperor,
you are naked...

but the lies you chose to believe
the stories you tell yourself
have you clothed
grandly.

ignore the pain
drown the sorrow
run from the reality

the cozy clothes of nakedly numb
fall so comfortably around
fit so well
the mirror of avoidance
perpetuates the lie
that
you
look
just
fine

fantastic even

only you don't feel fantastic
you don't feel
anything

so it's easier
to pretend
to model the latest fad of forgetting
anything
so that you don't have to dress...
in naked vulnerability...

so you'll swim in stagnant waters of a wounded soul...
you'll play at a game that you are bound to lose,
you'll settle for less
because it doesn't demand more...

and you'll believe
it's haute couture

but

there is a dressing room
where He waits...
and He wants to let you see,
that what is broken
can be beautiful.
what is battered
can be redeemed...
what you've cheaply traded...
He longs to restore.

The garment He wraps you in...
is just the right size...there is more than enough...

Grace

you wear it well...

Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus.

1 Timothy 1:14 The Message

The girl he raised...

2011-03-19T23:18:00.005-04:00

I am the daughter of a preacher.

A Southern man.

Without airs and pretense, a firm believer in duct tape.

His collar blue, tinged with red.

The man that raised me, as you may have assumed, isn't a big fan of psychology and thus missed out on any realization that the right way to raise me was to hang on me the mantle of Princess.

My Daddy is a hard worker and balks at laziness...
It never occurred to him to let me be anything other than the girl he raised...

before my first manicure, I knew the value of putting your hands to work and finishing a job...
before ever relying on pilates, I knew the satisfaction that can only come from working your body physically to exhaustion and the strength that it builds...
before creams and potions littered my counter top , I knew the blush given by a day of working in the sun...

I never attended a cotillion....I wasn't introduced to society as a debutante...

I never lacked because I was equipped with the ethic to do what needs to be done. There is no job that is below my station and that beans and cornbread when eaten with a thankful heart-fills a part of your heart and soul that the most dignified palate fails to enjoy.

today I spent six hours working outside...
as I loaded and unloaded six truckloads full of limbs and brush. I thought a lot about the girl I am.

the girl that enjoys a pedicure, day at the spa and the salon that serves chilled water and wine...
the way twelve hundred count sheets feel against freshly showered skin...
the taste of Godiva...

is the same girl that can haul and carry fifty pound sacks of chicken feed and shoot a twelve gauge.

I don't fit a demographic or cast a glance down at those that might...

My lineage is the working class...

it's a privilege.

"That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on"

so long, self...

2011-03-12T17:03:00.002-05:00

ever heard that song? So Long, Self by Mercy Me? No? Give it a listen. I've been singing it to me all day. :)

because today I have needed it. it seems saturday awoke, ready to trip me up...or either I wallowed around a bit this a.m. before realizing, ''uh, self...get over it.'' :)

But God ...see He is funnnnnnnnny and He keeps me humble.

This a.m. I may have sent an email to some friends lamenting various things in my life...one being...
my bad hair.
(my starting to grow out
was very dark brown
then lighter
then red
now red
with some blonde pulling through
oh wait
and then
the roots
where my REAL blonde hair is showing up and showing off at a good inch worth of growth)
hair.
oh and my bangs...remember I cut in bangs
and today
well I hate them too.

I am the very picture of vanity run a muck. :)

and tomorrow
(don't you dare.sing.Annie. to me...I may have bad red hair...but it ain't fuzzy today, at least!)

TOMORROW
I get to return to a former church my father pastored...
oh 21 years ago
when I was 16
and young
and untarnished by life
and funny
and blonde
really, truly, never met Miss Clariol at all
blonde

So
if you happen to be in LaGrange tomorrow
and you see someone clad in black
spackled in wrinkle cream
supported by Spanx
with very cutting edge roots on a fabulously bad color job...
that would be me...

But I got a pretty smile. :)

p.s. I have started back my Twitter account...mostly because, hmmm...i'm not really trying to trade distractions...mostly because twitter isn't a distraction at all...but it does allow me to spout off and share and catalog links and recipes and craft ideas and the like. It's like FB without interaction...hee :)

esoteric

2011-03-11T22:26:00.003-05:00

this week I shared an email and in response was, ''you are having a most esoteric Lenten season'' :)

I would agree, in general, not just in terms of Lenten season...

it's friday. AE sits nearby styling a myriad of Barbies hair, the boys are huddled up in their room playing endless rounds of Fallout 3.

Pizza and cookies have been consumed, movies await.

and me...well, i'm finishing off day six of no Facebook. ...
was that my 'thing' I gave up for Lent?
the short answer, no. :)
dude, i'm baptist...we don't drink...we don't give up anything for Lent...
gosh. :)
(i kid, i kid...i mean we don't observe Lent...I was just being obnoxious in general and didn't want to offend. ...)

anyway, i digress...
I am taking, I suppose, a Spring Break... but that sounds so ..hmmm...I don't know. LOL I guess I really like FB, a lot. :) ... and I enjoy the conversations, the discussions, the post, the snark, the photos...the glimpses into others day to day. I like the interaction. Sue me. I don't feel like it's a huge time suck--UNLESS *I* allow it to be one. I don't play any games on FB. I take 45 seconds about 10 times a day (more or less) to post ''what's on my mind'' ... and then I flit around here and there seeing what's on other peoples minds. :)

You may not know this about me. I hear, well. My MIL-anyway, commented on this the other week when we were visiting...she and AE were in another room, I was busy in the kitchen and AE asked to do something and I said, ''no.'' MIL-anyway commented how I could hear... my kids can be in various conversations and I can follow along, while having my own... I don't know why-I don't think anything of it...it's just something I can do.

For me...lately, FB seems a bit noisy. Distracting. But it's NOT FB that is at fault. It's *meeeeeeeeeee* ... see, part of growing, changing, healing is hearing and listening. It should be noted that growing, changing and healing requires attention and stillness... so for me...a few weeks away from FB is just what my soul needs. I miss it like mad-and that is just the truth. :)

I am more than a teeny tiny bit excited that DST starts this weekend. Way more than a little. :)

I am in love with Skype, and talking to Mer in Germany.

I am also a wee bit addicted to Words with Friends. Wanna play? cjbrorsen = me :)

I have been reading a lot...various things...but reading & reading makes me happppppppy.

I had four packets of ranch dressing bust open in my purse-thanks to a kiddo that put them in there...so yeah...my purse smells of salad...nice :)

I currently have these lyrics stuck in my head:

"Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts"

It's Texas Week...er, well Monday starts that...and what that means is a bazillion drunken teens and co-eds will invade South Padre Island in TX and well, yeah...they won't remember and they'll wish they wouldn't have and some will have the time of their lives...but this time of year always reminds me of living off HWY 100...the only road to South Padre and seeing the massive caravans of kids headed to the beach...

I did 150 step ups on a 12 inch step today...and walked 4 miles ... sometimes you have to work harder, because for a time you didn't work at all. :)

I have accepted that there are things that I will never, ever understand or wrap my mind around. However, it doesn't stop me from asking why or trying to make it make sense. :)

I watched the news this a.m. ... Japan. Sigh. I wonder if America realizes our blessedness...how we haven't dealt with such calamity. Tonight my heart hurts for the devastation and my prayers are heavy toward that country.

My parents house is almost done. I am so so so happy for them...for the memories they will make there-for the hard work my Daddy has done to make my Momma a home...for being able to share in their joy.

My friend Dana, her marriage makes me want to be married...the majority of other marriages make me contentedly single. :)

My birthday is less than 100 days away.
WOOT!

I have big hair tonight...AE and I did our spa night and well, ''beachy waves'' left me looking more like a reject from the ''miss i'm to old to be a contestant in the miss texas pageant'' hair :)

i want chocolate
and diet mt dew
neither of which are in my house.

i also want gas to be about 89¢ a gallon. :)
(I mean, really! )

and it's almost midnight (ok almost eleven...but tomorrow it will be practically time to change our clocks...so it's basically midnight tonight by tomorrow's standards. :) (ha!)

and with that I bid you happy weekend and good night.

esoteric?
yes!

The First Stone (archives)

2011-03-08T21:13:00.002-05:00

2 "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?" They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him. 6-8Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone." Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. 9-10Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. "Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?" 11"No one, Master." "Neither do I," said Jesus. "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin." (John 8...The Message)

she wasn't all cleaned up...
she wasn't the best society had to offer...
she was covered,
layers deep
in sin.

and really, who isn't?

oh,
don't look like that...
and whatever you do, don't dare throw on that jacket of ''in-sin-ability''
maybe, you cover yours well...
maybe, perhaps no one suspects...
maybe, just maybe
you haven't been caught, you haven't fallen short, you haven't been pulled into the center of town and put on display...

or maybe,
just maybe...
you don't even try to cover it...

regardless
it's the same
it's all the same-
sin

the godly of that day-ever on a mission to right the wrong
proudly drug her to Jesus...bowed out their chest, threw the ''rules'' at Him and then watched for His response...
they wanted justice
they wanted her to pay
...
oddly,
that crowd, was the precursor for today's church
and boy, have we carried on that tradition well...
got a little sin issue, we will point that right out for you...
struggling, we'll 'pray' for you and maybe you'll get that fixed...
you did what, AGAIN, really, AGAIN...you are taking that whole grace thing a little far, no?..

---
and where is Jesus in all of this?

read up there...

He was with the woman...
not with the holy guys, the mr. pointer outters of the sin

with the woman
listening to them...their accusations
and you know, He never said, ''hey lady, you are doing exactly right''
he never condoned her actions...
but
(hear this)
he stood by her
when the church didn't

...

why is it so easy to grip the stone, pose the throw...
why do we so easily attach ourselves to the wind up of the toss...
ready to drag them to Jesus, in their sin...

when as Christ followers...
OUR example
the one we follow

His hands held no stones...
His heart held no judgement...
His voice, asking the question that ours should echo...

''where are they...''

so, why not drop the rocks,
grip some grace,
hang on to some mercy
and love them
not because they are right

but

because He is...

Rememberance Stones

2011-03-07T09:34:00.001-05:00

Rememberance Stones a photo by Kudzu and Koolaid on Flickr.

This is from the archives at Flickr...
but much the stirrings of my heart currently...
remembering
making a mark
...

Rememberance Stones
I have three boys and up until the third I had never really dealt with finding treasures in pants pockets.

I know it is not an uncommon thing with boys-they find things, they have treasures that need a home and so their pocket is the logical place.

Elijah, my third born is a pocket stuffer. He is funny the objects change, but he forever has a treasure in his pocket. For a while it was three small men that came with their mega sub set at Christmas. Then it was two rubber balls. There was the handless Anakin, the whistle/light from speech and most recently rocks.

He is funny. He wanted pants with pockets to sleep in so that he could have his treasures. LOL

Because of his latest love I have a collection beginning on my kitchen window sill. The big one on the bottom, he found on his way to speech Thursday, it's shaped like a heart & that find made him feel more than incredible. He.had.discoverd.a.heart.shaped.rock.!!

I love that kid-and all that he brings into our lives.

I'll remember...

Each of you heft a stone to your shoulder, a stone for each of the tribes of the People of Israel, so you'll have something later to mark the occasion. When your children ask you, 'What are these stones to you?' you'll say, 'The flow of the Jordan was stopped in front of the Chest of the Covenant of God as it crossed the Jordan—stopped in its tracks. These stones are a permanent memorial for the People of Israel.'" --The Message

Swirly...

2011-03-03T12:20:00.003-05:00

my thoughts are swirly...this is what happens on long road trips.

oh that's right, you didn't know. :)

I returned yesterday from a long weekend trip to Texas. I took my kiddos to see their grandparents.

Long drives (peppered with ''turn the radio station...we've already heard that song fifteen times on the ipod...mom I need to pee...at the next rest area I want a snack from the snack box...are we out of Al...MS...LA...TX...yet'') always take me to a thinkerly place...700 miles of thinkerly & for someone that typically over thinks ANYWAY...well, yeah...swirly. :)

But today I am home. With semi ''sick'' kiddos. Ok...two of the four-but I think it's allergy/sinus...having driven through four states and experienced all their pollen produced yuck.

I am doing laundry. A lot of laundry.
I just took a picture that made me smile. The yellow bell is in full bloom and the sky is the most amazing shade of blue and the contrast between them...just beautiful.
I grocery shopped...pizza rolls are in the oven for lunch and for supper:

Capt Crunch chicken tenders with homemade honey mustard (only I omit the Dijon and add a dash of red pepper and no lemon juice) (Ritz crusted tenders for the adults)
Mac and cheese (8 oz of elbow mac boiled...butter (lots), flour to thicken...two cups of milk...four cups of cheese...bake off)
Squash (pan sauteed with onions)
fried corn (ae's request)
broc and cheese
biscuits

We are taking our ''winter break'' this week from school. Tonight we have a movie ... I considered making some brownies or...something...but I think they can just work on left overs from the snack box from when we traveled.

It's March...MARCH.
happycontentedsigh mmmmaaaarrrrccccchhhh
practically April
seemingly Spring
another winter, almost done
always the almost caveat...this is the South after all, land of the sneak attack March snow storm...
i hope...
against hope
that the lovely weather we've had for the last two weeks holds...
that winter tucks it long nights and short days away and that Spring kisses us with an early arrival...
but I cautiously hope
but HOPE
indeed
Spring is coming
Summer is near
*smile*

I had a talk with my MIL-anyway, (this is what you call your ex in-laws, that you are still close to, that refer to you as their daughter -in-law still, that keep you in the family and that love your kids like mad)...we were talking about people and how some people are what I deem ''buckets with a hole'' no matter what good your pour into them, no matter what idea you suggest, what you try...they always, always, always...ALWAYS have a reason it won't work. ''Buckets with a Hole'' wear you down and wear you out and tax every reserve you have... and something I realized...about ...ME....while I am NOT an obvious one...I am a subversive one and it's just as bad. (see I told you, thinkerly!)

I also thought a lot on Jesus and his treatment of Judas. Have you read the scripture...where Judas betrays Jesus with the kiss? Where Jesus KNEW (since He is ALL KNOWING and all) that he would be betrayed...knew it...KNEW IT .... and yet when Judas came to him, greeted him excitedly and kissed Him...Jesus just said, ''do what you've come to do.'' Everything in my nature fights that. I want Jesus to cut him off at the knees...to just SHOW HIM that sorry betrayer , pretending to be a friend...

but Jesus

I've been so challenged in my thinking of Jesus.
Of putting Jesus in the BOX
never, ever, ever, ever mistake that Jesus is just...
something is lost in our current culture of ''jesus is love, do what you wanna do''
because you miss a whole aspect of God in that thinking.
OH
Jesus loves...completely
but there is a VAST difference in acceptance and tolerance
Jesus accepts US as we are...loves us more than we can imagine...passionately pursues us...
BUT
His character...
He cannot tolerate lukewarm...you CANNOT live in opposition of God's word...rules ...statues and rest of the ''God loves me''
Oh He loves you...but he does not tolerate that, he can't...
(see thinkerly!)

ok and now it's time to reboot laundry
and walk a mile or six :)
happy thursday, yall! :)

a taste for more...(from the archives)

2011-02-22T20:38:00.001-05:00

jacob and esau
you and i

day to day

choices

esau was hungry,

seemingly night unto death...

and for a bowl of soup

for the momentary satiation of his senses

the warmth in his belly

the feeling of full

he gave away forever...

the swirl of the spoon in the bowl,

a slurp of the simmering soup,

the enticing aroma

all promised him

contentment, satisfaction, bliss...

we hardly imagine that we'd so easily give up our forever...

until we do...

in that moment

we sit glutted

and our soul

growls

and the pain of empty in our belly

matches the pain in our heart

at the realization

that the morsel of the moment...

the forbidden fruit...

the tantilizing taste...

the second serving of selfish seeking...

has left us

looking into an bare bowl

and leading an empty life

the good thing about empty...

it is full of possibilities-

an empty cross, showed redemption

an empty tomb, promised hope

and a starving soul & empty bowl...the perfect placeholder for The Bread of Life

forever

i pray

2011-02-14T01:36:00.007-05:00

i pray

... because my soul has this deep calling, this desire to be known
and the person who knows me best
the One that knows
every.
single.
fault.
and I have them. OH do I have them.

the person that knows
i'm jealous
judgmental
think bad things
say bad things
laugh at inappropriate things
do inappropriate things
gossips
lies
loses my temper
fails
falls
tempts
is tempted
have weaknesses that ensnare me, repeatedly

He knows
all the stuff about me...
all of it
and He still hangs around.

Because His love won't let go...
even when I run
when I hide
when I fall again
when i let Him down
when I do what I promise I won't
when I act
just
like
a
girl
robed in flesh

He loves me.

and he listens...
to me prattle on
and He knows I pray and am distracted by shiny
and He knows I am
His.

I find it easy to pray.
not because it's easy to do...
because admitting you've fallen short, again
is humbling.

but having Him there, standing ready to hold your hand,
makes me want to walk straighter
be better
be more

praying is the most holy of the daily mundane
i can cry out to my abba father
in the midst of crayolas and barbies
i can run to him ...as I run in circles through my day
i can ask for mercy
be granted grace
in the shower...as I scrub off the sludge of another day
my soul too, loses it's grime...
i can't wait to pray at the appropriate time-
i pray
with each breath

whispering hope

i pray
not because i have it all together
or am an example to follow
or even know what I am doing...

i pray
because of all that I am not
and all that I want to be...

prayer is my link to reality
it connects my faith driven spirit
to my impulse driven flesh
it balances out
my Apostle Peter mouth
with my Martha prone persona
and makes me accepted

by the ONE who matters most.

I pray
because it keeps me in communication
with the One who created me
to
be
exactly who I am...

gentle reminders

2011-02-01T22:16:00.002-05:00

sometimes in the midst of bad parenting moments
i am humbled
tonight was one of those nights.

all of us, short on sleep from the night before, have been a bit testy today.
when you take five year old, high drama and mix it with lack of sleep...
you get five year old WAY HIGH DRAMA multiplied to the four hundredth power ...

so, after AE had directly disobeyed 3 times I sent her to brush her teeth and to bed
(because she needed bed..worn.out.frayed.emotions.put the child to bed)
I'll pause for a moment so you can, in your mind, work up the weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth that accompanied this edict. :)

So she's in bed...
i'm cleaning the kitchen
and well
it's the drama
and here is the truth
drama
wears
me
out
but I also know
while it's not right or good...
when you reach a point of tired-
you are just tired
and it's not that you're not responsible for the drama
it's just...you are wound up in it by that point.

so I go back to her room and I remind her
as gently as you can
when you are also tired
from a day that did you...
that it was bedtime...

about ten minutes later the drama had died down
the kitchen was done
and I went to her room
she just wanted to tell the boys goodnight
but really
she just wanted to get up
but that was a no go
so tears

snubbing
real full on
emotional release
my body is so tired I cannot stand myself
crying

and she looked at me
and said
I CANNOT MAKE THIS STOP
please forgive me

and I sat there
a little stunned

and I snuggled her up to me and said, ''baby you were already forgiven''
and she pulled herself into me
and I sang over her...
the words of the old hymn altered
to pour truth all over her

oh how I love anna-elizabeth

because she is so sweet...

to me

she is so wonderful

and I love her

to me

she is so wonderful

and I love her

to me

she is

so wonderful

and I love her

because she is so sweet

and I sang

and I cried...

and her snubbing subsided

and she fell into a soft place of rest...

and I remembered my own day

that wasn't great, that chased me with reminders

...

and my questions that forever echo in my soul

and my wanting to know why

and my own drama

and tears

full on

emotional

i am at the end of myself

fits

and as I held her

HE held me

and sang...

grace mixed with faith and love, poured over me and into me, all because of Jesus

1 Timothy 1:14

Iridescent (instant replay, archiving purposes)

2011-01-27T00:46:00.003-05:00

You're there again...

the feeling familiar and yet foreign

how did this happen,

it wasn't the plan...

the hurt

so deep

the pain

so fresh

the wound

open...

your marriage wasn't supposed to be one of those...

your baby... not healthy ???

your friendship, could sustain any storm (then why do you feel empty, with the unexplained departure)

your career...you were going places...

your family...why.can't.we.all.get.along....

your health...compromised

your innocence...taken

your dreams...mocked

your faith...shaken

your life...

You walk around a bit shellshocked. Wondering.

Why?

You just want some bit of it to make sense.

Some part of it...

any part of it...

When you were standing in the wake of devastation when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now you were there and possibly alone. Do you feel cold and lost in desperation you build up hope, but failure's all you've known remember all the sadness and frustration and let it go, let it go. And in the burst of light that blinded every angel as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space no one there to catch you in their arms ...

You hear them speaking...

telling you to count it all joy...

telling you God makes no mistakes...

He'll never give you more than you can handle...

them

with their answers...

their pat

simple

sunday school

answers...

and you want to rail...

you want to scream...

you want someone

for ONE TIME

to not answer

with some 'perfect answer'

maybe a little admission

that

they don't understand either...

This is not the end This is not the beginning, Just a voice like a riot Rocking every revision But you listen to the tone And the violet rhythm Though the words sound steady Something empty's within 'em We say Yeah! With fists flying up in the air Like we're holding onto something Thats invisible there, Cuz we're living at the mercy of The pain and the fear Until we dead it, Forget it, Let it all disappear.

You want someone

to be real...

not perfectly fixed...

not

so

unattainable...

because the hurt

oh the hurt

it bubbles up

it takes your breath...

and you try to hide it,

and you bury it

with stuff

(you know the stuff)

You say you're not going to fight Because no one will fight for you And you think there's not enough love And no one to give it to And you're sure you've hurt for so long You've got nothing left to lose So you say you're not going to fight Because no one will fight for you You say the weight of the world Has kept you from letting go And you think compassion's a flaw And you'll never let it show And you're sure you've hurt in a way That no one will ever know

you know what I love about Jesus

...

He chases you...

When you are bitterly angry...

when you hurl, tear streaked questions at a star strewn sky...

when you sit there...

your stomach hollow

from the punch life just dealt...

when you fall down,

again...

and this time, you can't get up.

HE sits down beside you...

He lets you rant...

He lets you cry...

He lets you question...

He lets you

BE

because see,

there was a garden,

there was a cup,

there was betrayal

there was hurt

there was disappointment

there was great sadness...

there was asking ...if there were any other way ...

Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Matt. 26:39

and in the end...

there was the ultimate sacrafice.

Because HE knew...

one day you would hurt...

and it would break His heart...

but He knew in your brokeness...

you'd want someone to walk along side you...

someone that didn't hand out pat answers, all the while being The Answer...

someone who'd felt the cut, the pain...

someone who looked a lot like you...

only you,

covered in Grace...

God bless us everyone We're a broken people living under loaded gun And it can't be outfought It can't be outdone It can't out matched It can't be outrun ...

[all lyrics from Linkin Park]

hot [mixed up] mess

2011-01-23T01:50:00.002-05:00

this is random
stream of consciousness
sort of. :)

i have lots on my mind-thus the not sleeping.
i do this
cycle of insomnia...stress/change/thinking always feeds into it...

I just looked I have eleven things written and in my drafts-hmmmm

I have a blog brewing based on a couple of songs...
and a discussion today on FB stirred the startings of another.

I wrote out family rules today.

I love my kids more than I ever knew you could love someone.

my hair is a hot mess
like different colors
hot mess
and I obviously care, or I wouldn't bring it up-kwim
lol
but it's fine. I'm not messing with it for a month...it gets a break-then a real person, with real skills shall work some magic :)

I have been working on a schedule for about two weeks now.
Being sick over Christmas break and then having snow/ice messed with my sleeping schedule and our schooling (some, not much-we totally did school during the snow week)

We are going to Houston at the end of Feb. The kids are so excited. They love hanging out with Poppa and LaLa. I am debating the route. The typical I-10 straight shot...or detour and go to New Orleans via Lake Pontchartrain. I am not a big fan of bridges-(only since having kids) it's not like a crazy fear...clearly or I wouldn't be contemplating this...lol. But it's only 15 miles difference in the two routes. In New Orleans there is The Creole Creamery and I love the history and architecture there. Since this in essence will be our Spring Break too, I am trying to make it fun along the way. We of course will do our regular stops at the Bass Pro Shops along the way (lol, it's Daniel's thing-for whatever reason-and it has become a tradition on road trips) In TX we shall get our fill of Whataburger (Elijah's thing). We will also be seeing friends along the way. It will be fun. :)

I am finishing up my first Stephen King book in over 20 years. I read IT, forever ago and it freaked me out. This book has totally redeemed Stephen in my eyes. :)

I am going to follow the lead of another blogging friend and open up the comments to questions and such. Something you want to know? Something you want to ask? Here is your chance. Hopefully this will lead to some blogging topics and consistency. :)

I really do thank yall for reading!

it's all in who you know...

2011-01-21T02:29:00.006-05:00

his name was mephibosheth

imagine the nicknames he garnered

{what labels have they put on you}

he was dropped ...

and thus crippled

{what happened...that made you paralyzed}

King David... upon remembering with fondness his love of Jonathan wanted to do kindness to his family...

{the king}

and so they brought in Miphibosheth...

Jonathan's son

{it's who you know}

The king treated him as a son...

sat him at the table...

{undeserved mercy}

He was a kid, that was dropped. He was broken and had a funny name. His grandaddy was a tyrant...but his Daddy had a friend...and it was that line of connection in the end that brought Mephibosheth to the table of the King of Israel.

and now

we are

modern day Mephibosheths...

we are labeled

we are broken

our past may be littered with choices and decisions ...

but

we have a Friend

we have a connection

and He seats us at the table

and He makes us part of the family...

and He extends grace

shows kindness

he looked for you
sought you out
that makes you worthy
you caught His attention...
you have the eye of the King...

broken becomes beautiful

it's all in who you know...

What I know now...

2011-01-20T02:02:00.005-05:00

that you can love ... deeply

that you can hurt...intensely

that you can question...repeatedly

that you may wonder...unceasingly

that your world can shift, your view can be distorted, your heart can rend, your soul can be utterly bruised...

you can feel like your faith is shaken to the very core

you can think yourself to blame
for all the reasons why.

but I've also come to know...

that sometimes
sometimes

it's ok

and ok
is
ok

and you don't have to explain
or make it make sense
or review
rewind
rethink

sometimes

you walk in fields of grace
that you would have never discovered
if the path youhad so faithfully trod
hadn't took an abrupt

drop

into where you are now

and you find

refreshingly

now
is exactly where you want to be...

rebuilding
sometimes tearing things down
makes them stronger.

thinkerly...

2011-01-13T23:45:00.005-05:00

I'm a words girl. I've mentioned that here. I love quotes. From movies. From books. From people.

I'm reading through the bible this year with a group of girls. I am currently reading in Genesis about Jacob and Esau...and the thing I couldn't get away from after reading and realizing the older son always got a double portion was how that made The Prodigal Son parable take on a new meaning.

The older brother knew custom. He knew he was getting DOUBLE what his younger brother had gone out and wasted. But the older brother was so busy stewing, so busy fussing with the Father about how BAD the younger brother was...he couldn't enjoy his blessing HIS DOUBLE BLESSING.

It reminded me again of how we (*I*) am...
and it reminded me of this quote...

''When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one that has opened for us.'' --Alexander Graham Bell

Don't live a life of regret...of could have, should have, would have...don't wait to start...don't spend your days lamenting the choices of others...to the point that it robs you of the JOY of your blessings.

We get one shot, once chance.

Make it count.

Rebuilding [the series]

2011-01-12T00:03:00.008-05:00

Every year, for the last...hmmmm...five years or so I've picked a theme for the new year...

this year my theme is rebuilding

and I'm not sure exactly what all that is going to cover, other than everything...but I'm pretty sure it will be blogged and so gets a series... :)

I have a lot going through my head, a lot of thoughts, ideas, ponderings and wonderings...

this was me::: three years ago (in red/glasses)

My life changed a lot three years ago. All of that is not for public consumption. That is not to sound vague, cryptic and hoity toity. There is just no need. If you want to know something, then take the private venue and ask, I do not hide my life, but I keep my private life private.

Also, this year is REbuilding. Regardless of why or how...I am where I am...and this year I am rebuilding ...the focus is not on the past...the focus the FOCUS is on REBUILDING.

This is me::: almost exactly two years later (the one not wearing the spunky headband *smiles*)

Clearly, there have been some changes around here...
outwardly
and
inwardly

but part of the rebuilding is repairing
my weight loss is almost done...I will reach my goal this year by my birthday (that would be June 7th for any of you that have somehow MISSED MY BIRTHDAY)
but my body shows the scars and damage of time of neglect
I am not going for perfect
I am going to the best I can be...

one thing I've learned in this time is that...

sometimes you have to work harder, because you didn't work at all for a while

I'm almost 40. Every step of this journey in being a healthier me has been hard. But you know what...I am willing to walk more, run even. I am willing to do leg work, push ups, lunges, lift, pilates...I am willing to do the EXTRA work...

because something that I am beginning to glimpse is that in doing the work...in reaching toward you goal...you change the outside (yes!) but the inside, OH the inside gets shifted too. You rebuild the outside and all the while God is doing a work on the inside.

I have goals. Vain goals ... that I want to reach. And it is going to take a lot of work. Not because the goals are far fetched...but because for a long time, I didn't do the work.

it's easier not to...it's always easier not to

but doing the work...

the day to day, meeting the goal-the promise you've made to yourself,

makes the hard part, easier.

Here's to rebuilding...

all things new.

Glory, Glory to ol Auburn ...

2011-01-09T00:42:00.008-05:00

I was six when the line was drawn in the sand.

My family had moved to the great state of Alabama. My Dad, a pastor, had taken his first church in a town outside of Birmingham.

I was in a male dominated household. There wasn't a lot (or you know, any...) synchronized swimming, gymnastics or ice dancing viewed at our house.

There was college football, professional football and baseball ... which took us into the next football season...

We moved to an enclave that was Crimson.

All fans have a team...
In Alabama, a team has you.

It became necessary to pledge an allegiance.
and surrounded by ones that near worshipped Bear Bryant...
I was challenged... to a point of decision.

My brothers were older and their teams already decided. That Fall was not a watermark moment for them, firm supporters of the SEC they already loved their teams. Georgia, our hearts home, was my youngest brothers passion. Alabama, our new home, got my oldest brothers cheers. My Daddy rounded things out with a hat tip to the ACC and his loyalty went to Georgia Tech.

I remember being told, ''you will like Alabama.''
and that settled it.

In an act of rebellion, I cast my lot with Auburn.

On that day, a fan was born.

And for the last thirty years what started as a childish, 'oh I'll like them to spite you' has turned into the reason I look forward to Fall.

I'm a girl. I've never played football. I can't relate to the feeling of walking into a field house or walking through a tunnel. The knock of the shoulder pads. The smell of a new football. The passion of being on the field, a part of sixty minutes, that become a part of the best memories of your life.

All that I may have been denied.

But I can tell you that I have walked through seasons of sadness, losses and sanctions. There have been Saturdays that I have danced in utter delight. I've needed talked down and I've talked smack. I've berated bad calls and been thankful to be on the receiving end of reviews that turned the game. I've wanted to throw things at the television, I've wanted to throw my hands up in obnoxious victory chants.

Along the way. The fan fell in love.

And Monday
The National Championship.

The sound that starts as a low rumble in The Plains, grows to a resounding timbre crossing the dessert...

the battle cry....

WAR EAGLE

All fans have a team...
In Alabama, a team has you.

Good luck to the Mighty Tigers of Auburn University.

the importance of being earn...er, um, naked

2011-01-06T09:11:00.002-05:00

being naked reduces you...

there is nothing to hide ...
what we disguise with fashion,
naked renders fully visable
most of the time in harsh light...

naked
exposed
vulnerable
honest

honest.

the reason we like clothes
it hides the flaws
the imperfections...
we can accessorize and distract
highlight the strong points...

we can never let you know
what's underneath...

but at some point, you find yourself

naked

and that leads you to the hard part

rejection

there, honest...

no one
NO ONE
wants to be rejected

and so, at the risk of closing ourselves off...
of not being real with anyone
we will plug in...but not all the way...
we will offer superficial presence
but nothing beyond...
we will

do anything
except

be real.

because real, makes us vulnerable, vulnerable makes us naked
and naked means you can walk away-because you could handle the cute outfit
but not
the person
the real, broken, scarred
person wearing it...

to become vulnerable...
is for some the hardest thing
(ask me how I know...)

because see, once you know something...
you can't unknow it...

and once you know it
what if
it's too much...

and so we retreat
we project this idea of wholeness
of having it together
of being in command
and we
are alone

but *they* can't walk away
because *they* don't know...

all dressed up
with no one

heart tenderly wrapped in a scarf...

the risk of unwrapping
is huge

but we were made, by the master creator, to need each other...

that doesn't mean you expose and spill to everyone,
you can guard your heart
without walling it up...

but
(and this i know, i live it, daily)
when you find that place
where you can shed the layers...
where you strip off the blouse
(and the lycra shaper, that's keeping everything smooth)
when you stand there
bumps and bulges
exposed

and look to find
you are surrounded by others
who've dropped the facade
and reflect
not perfection
but
acceptance.

acceptance that was there all along...
because
we're all broken
and we need help, carrying the pieces

so
will you...
drop the scarf?

tap...tap...is this thing on???

2011-01-03T23:01:00.005-05:00

(the one where I ramble, and spill ideas and plans and goals...and circle around themes and topics...and chase trails ...and hardly make sense at all...)

so

happy new year!

woo hoo

2011...rocket cars and all that :)

i can't say 2010 was bad...

it wasn't

but it wasn't good

either

and the only way I know to describe it is

um

hmmmm

I don't know...

it felt (in retrospect)

like that year of...

almost?

and that sounds far heavier than the year deserves...

it was the first year I was divorced...

it was the second year I was separated...

it was the year that I went on a date...or two...

it was the year my best friend moved a million miles away...

it was the year friendships were rejected-unexplained and painfully so...

it was the year of God showing off...gifting my children with trips to the beach...six flags...sea world...

it was the year of really, really hard spiritual lessons...

it was the year of praying, standing in the gap, anyway-even when the prayers seem devoid of strength or distance beyond the whisper of the words...

the year, i admitted to wanting to write...at least to myself...

it was the year I was a little more transparent...

it was the year I was gifted with reconciliation...and the gift of that...even now, makes me cry.

the year I fell in love with cloud pictures, again, just like when I was five

it was the year I looked UP a lot, because I had to...

to breathe...

a lot of days felt hard

heavy with expectation

change

hurt

disappointment

I did a lot of growing in 2010

and I felt ...kind of like the hebrew children

and like I did a lot of walking in circles...

by my own doing.

and now it's done

it will never be 2010 again...

i don't miss it...

but I miss what I missed it in...when I was too busy being bogged down with the other...

but you know

now

it's 2011

and this year

my theme

is rebuilding

and it literally encompasses every.stinking.area.of.my.life...

and the shell of potential of what coulda/shoulda/woulda been in 2010 is empty...

and to look back at it...to analyze or question or lament or give it anymore attention...just robs me of today.

2010...is done.

i will take the graces it gave me and treasure them as the gifts they are...

i will take the hurt and hard lessons and apply them to wisdom...letting them help me to be better...

because 2011 is here...

the foundation is laid

i will not repine...

i will not lament...

i will not give strength or power

to people or situations...

that is just unfocused energy...

energy that is going to be honed this year

aimed

directed

it's the year of possiblities

possibly anything can happen

i

can't

wait...

surprises are my favorite thing

expectation makes me giddy

(and one goal...met...to stop using FB as my 'crutch' it is far too easy for me to blog/superficially post and such without really plugging in...putting forth the effort. So today...I blog...on my...blog. it was painless, imagine that. :)

happy new year

friends!

Where is the dreamer...

2010-07-16T08:02:00.003-04:00

Here comes that dreamer...let's kill him, throw him into one of these cisterns and say that an animal devoured him, then we'll see what becomes of his dreams....

Gen. 37:19

Did you read that verse?

Now, no one would argue Joesph was a bit of a brat and a braggart with his dreams and all...

but can you imagine your brothers plotting against you, selling you into slavery, putting you in the way of suffering and troubles...

Joseph was a little tainted and frustrated against them

ANGRY

{and probably asked WHY...do you ask why? do you see the stuff happening around you, in your life and just want to scream WHY WHY WHY WHY... I do...oh I do...}

The thing about life, Joseph's or mine (or yours...) circumstances will make us angry...they will break our hearts, they will knock the breath from us...

we'll wonder,

we'll question,

we just want to know why

and we'll be angry

and we have to decide

(we always have to decide)

what are we going to do with that angst, that fire in the pit of our stomach, that need.to.just.punch.something. ...

we can hold it

we can clinch our fist, our nails can dig into our flesh, the veins popping for the tension of holding.on...

see if your hand is clasped (a picture of us ...holding our anger...)

you are imprisoned

because you are angry alright...

(and YOU MAY HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE...life sometimes simply stinks)

you are holding on, clutching, occupied,

limited

isolated

but

if you open your hand

it's free

you can pick up,

create,

control,

choose,

what to do with your hand...

holding on the the anger

FEELS RIGHT

but it's a prison

opening up your hand

letting it go

that's harder

but look

now

your hands are empty

free

touch some possibilities

clasp some forgiveness

go ahead...

what they meant for evil in Joseph's life...God meant for good

for good

it's all going to be good

all.

going.

to.

be.

good.

now,

scoop up some grace

let it slip through your fingers like sand

and see

just see

what becomes of your dreams...

Come to the party...

2010-07-06T08:17:00.005-04:00

lately i've been reading and rereading the prodigal son...

you know the parable, right?

a man had two sons, the younger one ask for his portion, the father gives it to him, he squanders it with wild living, he loses it all and finds himself feeding pigs and wanting their scraps to eat, he remembers his Daddy, decides to go home, the Daddy sees him coming and prepares for a party to celebrate, the older brother gets a little put off, whines and pouts and acts like me...

(you can read it HERE )

i've read this countless times and heard sermons on it my whole life...
but the truth of it,
is falling kind of fresh.
maybe I just need to be reminded...

my favorite portion of that whole parable
the verse ... where the younger son...the one that went his own way, wasted his fortune...
it says...

"when he came to his senses''

this parable is such a picture
of humanity
of our nature

as i read, each player spoke to me--but it was the older brother that I thought about

a lot

see,
his brother went off
wasted all his money
on
partying
women
living in a way that left him excessively empty
and THEN he decided to come back home

when the daddy saw that boy coming
he was
elated
he called for the servants to
put on a party

and the older brother?
he got a little put out (or you know...ANGRY if we stay true to scripture)
he sat and thought of all he'd done right...
he'd stayed with his daddy...
he'd worked and lived right...
he'd honored his raising...
and he'd never gotten a party
(whiny pouty crybaby)

i love how it's worded, when the daddy kinda sets him in place...
''be WE had to celebrate and be glad''
(in other words...get over yourself, refocus boy...WE have to celebrate...your brother is HOME!)

it's hard ...
the human nature in us
likes to see you get what's coming to you...
but it's kinda crazy...
we want grace for us
but justice for ''them''
we want to remind God of all the good we've done
and WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THEM GOD...
do you SEE what they are doing????
can you BELIEVE the choices they are making????
how can they DO THAT????

and then it kinda hits us
we are 'them'
we all are...
in our own way

we are them

the daddy was never happy with the younger sons choices
it broke his heart to think of his son
living below what he was worth...
but you know what

you can know something

but until THEY know it
until it BECOMES TRUTH TO THEM
it won't matter to them...

the younger son
oh
he just wanted to
LIVE
be his own man

the older son
oh
he just wanted to
MATTER

the daddy
oh
the daddy
he just wanted both his boys
to party
because
the younger was HOME
the older ALWAYS had been
and they both
had to realize the TRUTH
for them to 'come to their senses'
to know
whose they were...
and what was theirs ALL ALONG

and that
home is where the heart is
and your heart will never
be happy
anywhere else

so come on home
there is a party waiting for you

come to your senses...

Land that I love

2010-07-03T16:03:00.001-04:00

Land that I love
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

i am free

but not without cost...
men and women, both brave and frightened

crossed and ocean
and set forth on this continent
a new nation...
my nation.

the struggle,
the hardships,
the plight
all carved the path
so that today, I walk around

free

and from battlefields
among fallen bands of brothers
from jungles
deserts
watery graves
and the mountains of Iwo Jima-
flag waving, proclaiming proudly

your gift is freedom

she welcomes them
tired and poor
those yearning to be free

free to...
say
do
be
think
believe...

even if it opposes the very essence of what our country was founded upon...

free
means
free

and i am thankful

in my sights
a lady greets me
beautifully aged
gracefully carrying herself
as only one who has watched her children grow...
some to make her proud,
other to make her question her abilities,
can walk.

she embraces me
and she whispers...

Freedom
my gift to you is
Freedom

-cjb

Happy Birthday, America

Christmas doesn't really work out for me...

2010-07-02T11:26:00.004-04:00

{yesterday was free movie day at our local theater...they were showing The Polar Express. (woot woot woot...one of my favorite modern Christmas movies) If you've read here, much at all, you know that I pull spiritual parallels from lots of daily doings. The Polar Express is no different. :) I actually blogged before, a few yrs ago about it...but, yesterday, it hit me differently}

Have you seen The Polar Express?

The kid no longer hears the bell, but so badly wants to...

he is taken on this fantastic journey to the North Pole via The Polar Express where there are friends, and fun hot chocolate dancing men, a wise and savvy conductor, a sage hobo and ultimately Santa Claus...

and in the end
he hears the bells. :)

But the stories within...the bits of truth, or what I received as truth are what make me love this movie...

there is a kid, you understand a poorer kid...that life hasn't always been rosy for...
he's the last stop on the way to the North Pole...
hair askew
confidence lacking
he separates himself from the group
sitting in a different car
...
at one point when he is sought out and asked about the trip and Christmas and the like
he responds,
''christmas has never really worked out for me''

scramble up some letters
and there is something ...

''Christians have never really worked out for me''

Sometimes, as a Christian I am so ashamed of how ''we'' act...
and the stuff we peddle...
we will judge
and speak harshly
and then blanket it over by saying,
'oh i'm not perfect, just forgiven.'

really?

cause you sound a little self righteous
to me

(and I sound a little self righteous to me, a lot...lest you think I am pointing anywhere other than myself)

it truly breaks my heart
at how
we have a world of people
people who are hungry
for love
acceptance
truth
for something real

and they fill that void
that need
with EVERYTHING
other than what will truly fill it...

because the people that represent
what they need
are such
bad
representatives

we are so redeemed
so holy
so fixed
that we put out there
this idea
that we have attained
and maybe,
just maybe
if you'll work really hard
and be really different
and
and
and
then you too can be loved by Christ...

and God's heart breaks into a million pieces

God is holy
and righteous
never, ever mistake that...

but God
met people where they were
and he LOVED them
and he accepted them
and HE changed them...

that Christian thing doesn't work out for them...
because of us...

but the movie
and people give me hope...

after going to the North Pole and seeing his gift, the boy that Christmas has just never worked out for ...in his heart took root and in his countenance you see a bit of belief...

and upon returning to his home, he goes into the house, discovers the gift he'd seen at the North Pole and runs to the porch to show his friends still on the train...

and the response, whispered between them was, ''it's amazing...''

Oh, if we can ever love people, really...really...really love people. If we can love them where they are, and show them true concern and compassion. If we can ever
really
be
Jesus
to this world

you'd see the change in them...
they would run out, carrying the gift

....

it's amazing!

threads showing...

2010-07-01T08:11:00.003-04:00

I took my truck to have the front end aligned the other day.

I knew I needed tires, both my Daddy and my brother had pointed that out to me...

but my daddy said to get the front end aligned
so, because I'm super obedient (HA!) I did that first. :)

I took it to the shop where they did their thing and the man walked out, slip in hand and proceeded to talk to me.

On the slip I see ...

''needs four tires...
NEEDS two front tires-threads are showing interior''

The man then tells me about needing tires and explains that the interior front tires have threads showing and he says they can blow out and you'll have a lot of body damage-so I needed to take care of that.

The tires, when you look at my truck...don't look dangerous...
why?
because it's the interior
(but the damage is there...)
the threads are showing...
the potential for a blow out
is
right
there
and the results of a blow out
damage
lots
and lots
and lots of
body damage...

now if you know me,
you know
YOU JUST KNOW
that God used that practical conversation to speak to my heart
(cause God fully understands me...lol and how simple He has to keep it!)

is that not a picture of us?

so often we look
OK

but the threads are showing
the damage is there
ON THE INTERIOR

and we are walking around
'driving' on borrowed treads
just edging on a blow out

and when the blow out comes
and it will...
anytime our 'interior' (our heart)
isn't kept
anytime we 'drive' around
finding our own way
finding our our route
driving any distance to seek our fill
doing doughnuts in the parking lot of self...
we are just dancing with a blow out...
tires and our Spirit can only handle so much wear and tear...before
the blow out...

we can avoid the damage...
our alignment may get out of whack...
our tires may show thread...
but we don't have to go and go and go until
the blow out

we can stop
park
rest
and let Him make all things new...

brand new day
brand new grace
brand new tires

drive

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-30T17:42:00.001-04:00

Wordless Wednesday
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

the sick edition

Me too...

2010-06-27T21:46:00.003-04:00

I see the lip poke out...

the eyes gloss over, tears ready to spill...

and then,

"but that's not how I wanted that to happen.''

bitter disappointment
in a four year old world...

I can identify with my girlie...
I was handed a dose of disappointment recently
and I'd have to say my reaction,
pretty much mirrored my baby girl.

our expectations
oh
our
expectations...

they will set us up, every time...

we will believe the best
we will accept less
we will pretend something doesn't matter
we will allow ourselves to settle
we will hope against hope

and we will be disappointed

and the sting

ouch

the realization, that we set ourselves up for it
again...

it's a hard thing
disappointment

I told my girl.
"that's not what you wanted to happen, I know, but it is what happened SO now, what are you going to do???"

we are not promised to not be disappointed
or hurt

but we can decide how to deal with those things...

we can chose to close ourselves off
and protect ourselves

or we can trust
that love is never wasted...
chances are worth taking...
God redeems...

beauty for ashes
strength for fear
gladness for morning
peace for despair

it's worth it, baby girl.
i'll always believe it's worth it.

I just call him Daddy...

2010-06-19T23:26:00.002-04:00

I'm 37 and I call him Daddy...
always Daddy...
never Dad
Father
or Pop

Daddy

we share traits
that man that I call Daddy...
our hands
fingertips upturned
and we typically say what we think, sometimes without enough thought...

he was the provider of lemon drops and sprite
and prizes
and what I imagined to be the strongest arms in the world

he is funny
and loves to get something on you
and drive it in the ground
or just drive you crazy with it...

he's a reader
history
biographies
bible

he's sincerely the most unpretentious person I know
your stature doesn't effect him...
because before it's all said and done,
he's gonna ask if you know Jesus...

he loves Jesus
with a love that only rivals that of the love he has for my Mom.

he has faults
and shortcomings

he's far from perfect

but the man that I call Daddy
makes it easy
to believe in another Man , Abba Father

Thank you Daddy, for being such an example to me
of Jesus
and how to be Jesus.

Happy Father's Day!

paralyzed potential

2010-06-19T13:08:00.002-04:00

i have a kiddo
he's awesome
he's smart
he's funny
he's type a
he's exactly as God intended

(cause God doesn't make junk!)

this kid
though
if given the chance
will bear burdens
and carry worries
and walk in fear
and fret
and rob himself of
being
you know
a K-I-D

and it is a very frustrating thing as a parent
frustrating and heartbreaking
to watch your child
take on
something
to carry something
that isn't his to carry

God gave me a teachable moment today
you know
where HE taught ME
even though I thought I was teaching the kid...

God is good...
He is...
He knew us before we were born...
he pulled the DNA together,
heck, He put the markers on the DNA
before he pulled it together
He KNOWS US
our quirks
our desires
our tics
our weaknesses
our faults
our failures
our sins...

He knows it all...
and He created us anyway,
individually
designed
in HIS image
truly
designed and carried out
because HE DEEMED US WORTH IT
anyway
even with our ''issues''

but see,
here is where my kiddo runs into trouble
and where I run into trouble
and I'll be so bold as to say where YOU also run into trouble...

we don't believe the TRUTH
we fall for those other voices...
the ones that call out to us,
we give them more power, more credence, more strength
than we give
to the VOICE that called the very universe into existence...

See, Satan is STRONG and POWERFUL
and don't ever, for ONE second believe otherwise...
and he is smart...and subtle...and the king of deception...
his game he runs?
he takes the truth, puts a little spin of distortion and then grinds it in...
hard...

my boy
worries about something happening
someone missing
someone being hurt...

those attributes are good...
in that they make him a good leader,
he's weighs choices and decisions...

but you take those qualities
put a little spin on them
and you have a kid
that is robbed of enjoying a theme park, because he is overwhelmed by fear of someone taking a sibling
or a ride not working correctly...
you have a kid
paralyzed
by
fear

this morning, we met those fears head to head...
i reminded him
God KNEW when He created him that he would be natured the way he was...
that he would love dr. pepper with no ice,
that he didn't like condiments with his food,
that he liked things 'just so'
that he liked to take care of things/people, liked to know where things were...
I reminded him that God knew each and every quirk he had and that not only that, that God had DONE THE WIRING to make him that way...

but I also told him
Satan knew those things...and Satan's tool, Satan's game is to play on our weakness...
Satan always distorts truth...
he takes what God make...twists it...
he takes my kiddos inclination to want to know everything/everyone is ok
and takes it to the nth power to the point where he is in tears, worried...scared...

do you see that...
i'll tell you just as i told him
that feeling
that tightness in your chest...
that yucky feeling in your stomach...
that heavy weight on your heart...
that fear that you carry like a backpack...
all.
satan's
lies...

because God's desire is what?

JOY and that we may have it ABUNDANTLY...

if Satan can whisper in our ear...make us think we are unworthy...our choices have been so blown...our sin was too big...our mistakes TOO bad...if he can keep us weighed down with that defeat ...then what?... we are NOT JOYFUL and he gets to do a little dance of victory...

I also reminded that kid of mine...that TRUTH says...

we are not given a spirit of fear...but of POWER and LOVE and of a SOUND MIND...

satan attacks our thought life
our emotions
he makes us feel lonely and scared
then he full on attacks us...
hit us with unworthiness and fear
and reminds us
of all we've done

until we are curled up
in fetal postion
crying
because we are scared
that someone is missing...

oh but Y'ALL

this is the good part...

The Voice of Truth, tells me a different story...
The Voice of Truth, says do not be afraid...
The Voice of Truth, says this is for my glory...
out of all the voices calling out to me...
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth...
(casting crowns, 'voice of truth')

just as I told my kiddo
that moment
when you feel that
fear
worry
creeping up
when satan starts reminding you and bombarding you
you stop
and you say
THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH

(whispers) cause it's NOT

and when Satan presses in harder, pushing all your buttons and emotions
you press back and say THAT IS NOT TRUTH

and at the very point, where you think it's too much, you are too tired, you are too scared, too worried, too frightened

THAT IS NOT THE TRUTH

THAT
IS
NOT
THE
TRUTH

Jehovah Jireh ...the God who will provide a way...
will indeed provide a way

The Voice of Truth

tells me a different story...
and you a different story...

listen and believe

The Voice of Truth

Finding their way...

2010-06-16T08:24:00.002-04:00

We have new chickens...

six sweet baby chicks.

this morning, I sat at the chicken pen (what? it's part of the glamour of my life *smiles*) watching...

we have two laying hens (Scarlett and Mammy) and a rooster (why, Rhett Butler, of course!) there are six pre teens (heh) let's call them the Brat Pack...and yesterday we added the six babies (as of yet, unnamed...)

the 'gone with the pen' crew along with the 'brat pack' were out doing their thing this morning...scratching, pecking, rhett greeting the morning and the girls strolling around the pen occasionally sticking their neck out for some grass...

the new crew...
in the coop...
huddled

in the midst of all of that

a beautiful cardinal, came by for a picnic with the fowl

i sat there, watching it all...

all in the same pen, all doing the same thing...these older chickens strutting and eating...this cardinal dropping by for a morsel...

and these babies, on occasion, hopping a few steps over the threshold of the coop for a bit of crumble and scratch (that comes in 50 lbs bags (each!) that I also unload and take to the pen-you know in case you've forgotten my glamorous life...hee!)

i thought about how i am so often represented by the chickens...
how sometimes
i'm just chicken ...
scared...
i have every right to be out in the pen
with the big chicks
and the beautiful bird...

but
i'm kinda like the babies
this life
it's new
these surroundings
different
this coop
unfamiliar

i'm finding my way.

Covered...

2010-06-06T14:09:00.003-04:00

*A bird is mired in oil on the beach at East Grand Terre Island along the Louisiana coast on Thursday, June 3, 2010. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

The Gulf Oil Spill, what a catastrophe...
what a picture
of
me.

What a picture of life.

Our hearts, our hurts ...
buried deep
but there is a hole in our core
just like there is a hole in the earth
and just as the oil gushes out, even now...
eventually life is too much
the days are too heavy
the stuff
too
much
and out it comes...

life--
all
over
us

and we are covered
weighted down
by
cares
and hurts
and worries
and problems
and issues...

we sit
feeling the sludge
we sit
so very burdened
we sit
all is miry
dark
dense
heavy
we are covered
in
yuck

and there is no fast solution
because that hole in our core
it's always going to be there...

our heart
is always going to be available to be bruised,
again...

our rescue
is that One that promises to wash us and make us whiter than snow...
the One that promises to stick closer than a brother...
the One who was betrayed by his friends...
the One who on the darkest day in history,
forgave...
so that we,
even sitting in sludge of our own creation,
can cry out and say,
"help''

and with hands gentle but firm,
He picks us up...
he wipes us down,
he washes us off,
and he makes us clean...

and He gives us a Comforter...
because He knows what it's like
to be in the sludge
he fought His way out of it...so that He could pull us out too!

He's got us covered.

Natalie Rose "Nattie" York

2010-06-06T00:30:00.001-04:00

Natalie Rose "Nattie" York
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

Three years.

Three.

Somehow I keep waiting for her to shoot an email from the library saying her internet will be back up soon.

I want to hear her review Twilight and Light From Heaven.

I want to hear her refer to the "hobbit house"

I want to laugh when she has to wash dishes in the bathtub.

I want to be frustrated with her again...

I want Jonathan to know his mom was full of life and fun and faith ...

I want Anna to know her Mother was a picture of grace under fire, of God's handiwork, that her beauty ran as deep as her flaws.

I want you to know there once graced this planet a lady ...
who touched my life in ways I cannot explain.
Her life was not easy, but her faith
was
She simply believed
HE
was
"more than enough"

Nattie Pie.
I love you more than chocolate.
I miss you more than air.

p.s. i still am not over you stealing my glory by dying on my birthday--i'm working through it... :) <3

"Hope.... sometimes it is blinding like the spring sunshine. Sometimes it is a gentle warmth that comes with kind words. Sometimes it washes over you like waves in the ocean and sometimes it just envelopes you slowly. Sometimes it is like water in a dry land, but it is there if you look for it." --Nattie Rose York
December 15, 1973 - June 7, 2007

Commanded to ... love

2010-06-02T15:36:00.004-04:00

it's easy to love
when others are doing as you think they should...
when they are on the same page with you,
talking like you,
living like you,
worshipping like you...
when it's easy though,
is it really love?
or is it just agreement (kwim?)

are we not truly showing love
true love

when we look at those that make choices that make us shake our head...
that choose behaviors that damn them to consequences that will cost them far more than they want to pay,
when they are hurtful,
selfish,
and self centered...

we have this thinking, thinking...this tough love
we rehabilitate enablers (hee)
we want people to know they can't just treat people any ol' way and continue to benefit...

I won't disagree-
I think there are boundaries
absolutely
I think you can lose yourself and any good you can do
when you let yourself be lost in someone else and their baggage...

but again in balance
I think we have to look to Jesus.

what was his example...
he said do well to them that hurt you and use you.

[But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. Matt. 5:44]

that verse goes against all our natural thinking...I mean really, who is going to volunteer to let someone hurt them, over and over...but the key is it doesn't so much say continue to let them hurt you...it says to PRAY for them. That doesn't mean you have to continually put yourself in the path of their hurt, however, what I find so interesting is that when you are praying for someone, your heart is kept tender toward them.

God wants what is best for us...He in no way wants us to be a doormat-I in no way think that is His design...

I do think He wants use to be ''Jesus mats''... I think loving like Jesus loves ...I mean really, look at how he met people where they were, how he touched their lives, ministered to their needs, healed their hurts...study through his examples--does that not challenge you (me!) in how we are loving others...

Finding the balance is not easy...
but loving
truly loving like Jesus
loving when it hurts
when you feel foolish
when it's not returned because they aren't at a place where they can...
being Jesus
that is when

our hearts are renewed
we mount up with wings as eagles
we run and not go weary
we walk and won't faint*

love

it really is all about love

*(Isaiah 40:31)

The Summer Project...

2010-06-01T12:57:00.002-04:00

I know I mentioned my summer plans/goals in a previous post. Those still stand. I have been thinking though and am elaborating a bit.

Photographs...lots of them (not of me...bwhahahahaha!) I want to make it a daily goal to take photos, to capture the day...still thinking this one through...

journal...family style...I want to record, probably weekly where we are and what we are doing...

weekly field trip...and that may mean, not leaving the house--like one night I want to do a picnic under the stars...finding constallations and shooting stars. :) (but making a point to once a week, do something not screen related...memory making)

read aloud...did I put this on my other list? I think I did. I think we are rereading The Chronicles of Narnia...maybe...

Latin word of the week...heh, yes, I do think so...we have "Latin From The Roots Up'' we are going to introduce it next year...but I'm thinking maybe we do a word of the week for the summer too...maybe?

I'll probably tweak this a bit more as I work/think on it this week--next week is kick off. :)

What they became {memorial day}

2010-05-28T19:03:00.001-04:00

Land that I love
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

They didn't set out to be remembered...
they didn't want to stand as the symbol of the cost of war...
they were young kids
idealistic
with a love for their country
that drove them
...
into deserts
and jungles
edges of oceans
and into countries so far from the one they loved...

they didn't want to be remembered
they wanted
to come home,
they wanted football on Saturdays,
to tool around town with their buddies,
to kiss their girl
and Momma's pie on Sunday...

they didn't want to be thousands of miles away...
with cramped quarters
sticky and hot
foreign smells
little comforts...

they didn't want to watch their youthful ideas disappear
as they watched the life ebb from the bodies of their friends
there with them
in this place so far away from what they did want...

they didn't set out to be remembered
they set out to be soldiers...

and in strapping on their boots
ones that ultimately stood empty accompanied by their gun

they will forever be remembered
for what they became...

HEROES

thank you to every man and woman that has bravely worn a uniform, deployed and didn't come home...my heart is forever thankful for you ...

"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made so and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."
~John Stuart Mill

You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. You can only be free if I am free.--Clarence Darrow

skimming the surface

2010-05-27T21:38:00.002-04:00

Do you remember the story of the setting up of the pool last year?

(i'll give you a minute to read it)

Last year...the pool nightmare...
that whole thing
was replaced, this year...
with ease.

(oh you know this has a BUT)

We got a new pool this year. Same style...but we already had the platform and all that was needed was ten bags of sand to balance out one side. The sand went down, the pool went up LITERALLY like magic.

Only, I've noticed ''stuff'' in the pool...you know, stuff, bugs and grass and general typical pool stuff. I checked the filter and replaced it Sunday night-only to go out there today before we had friends coming over to see, um, stuff.

I checked the pump, fiddled, reloaded with cholorine and then checked the filter.

The pump was working...the water was cycling...the cholorine was balanced...

the fliter

YUCK.

So I'm skimming off ''stuff''

and God kinda peeled a layer off of me.

I'm a lot like our pool.

I have a good foundation, pretty leveled up, after a lot of work in the last year.
But my heart...
my fliter...
sometimes is YUCK.
Even if every other system is working
if your heart is off...
if effects the whole deal.

Our pool...everything was running...
but there was still stuff on the surface of the pool...
and guess what
there was more ''stuff''
but it has settled on the bottom.
I got AE to get in and walk around to 'stir it up'
so I could skim it off.

Our hearts are our filters...
we have to guard them
tenderly
we have to take care of our hearts
we have to surround ourselves with people who want the best for us
who love us
who with fight for us and with us
who will hold our hearts
for us.

When we neglect to care for our hearts
our fliters
it's going to show...
there's going to be stuff
on the surface
and you'll have to skim it all off...
but you know what,
there's also going to be stuff on the bottom, things you've ''stuffed'' and tucked away and pushed aside...
and it needs to be stirred up...
it needs to be brought to the surface too...
and skimmed off...

clean

a pure heart

tend it well

out of your heart springs EVERY(thought,action, belief) thing in life
guard it

things making me happy...

2010-05-21T09:14:00.001-04:00

FridayFelicities
Originally uploaded by joymombecky

*sleeping in...in the rain

*crocheting

*coffee with french vanilla creamer

*friends that make me laugh, when laughter is hard to come by

*text that make me smile

*summer almost being here

*my kids-my amazing kids

What's making you happy today? Find some happy, roll around in it. :)

I miss you, still, Nattie!

anyway...

2010-05-20T10:22:00.002-04:00

last night the sermon at church was on...mercy, forgivness and grace...

in the last few days I'd read the following over at Janet's blog ...

God always has perfect timing--speaking to my heart and what I need to be reminded of...

He's good like that. :)

The Paradoxical Commandments

by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

© 1968, 2001 Kent M. Keith

Today is Thursday...

day one

(what do you mean by day one, cheri???)

well I've been walking, still
but my eating
well
yeah
the last three days
not so good...
so today is day one
restart
recommit
so day one it is...

it is also grass cutting day
(i love cutting the grass!)

it is also pool playing day
and sun soaking day...
and going to the farm day
so my daddy can sight in his riffle...
(although we may not do the farm, if we stay and make like fishes in the pool)

today also will hold some picture taking
I want to deliberately take pics...i've gotten woefully out of the habit when I was without a camera...

and it's crochet day
again
I haven't crocheted in a couple of months
!!!!
crazy
I know
and I have several unfinished objects that NEED TO BE DONE
and I want them to be done...
I need to seem something completed. :)

So basically, you know how people always ''restart'' on Monday? They lay out goals and plans and MONDAY is the day...

Well today is Thursday...Thursday is the new Monday! :)

Here's to day one! :)

finding the happy

2010-05-15T00:18:00.001-04:00

FridayFelicities
Originally uploaded by joymombecky

*friends (I have the best ones-true)

*surprises (cashews...diet coke...)

*laughing over something completely silly for 10 mins with Mer on the phone--that if I tried to explain it to you, you would not think it was funny..but OH MY STARS---i love to laugh like that...

*sunshine

*text

*thinking about yarn projects...i have several UFO's (unfinished objects )that need to be finished..dude...and I am thinking of new projects. :)

summer is on its way--wooooooooooooot

happy weekend!

stronger

2010-05-11T20:47:00.004-04:00

don't tell

but I really like that song by Kanye.

I sang it a lot today.

a lot.

The kids PC has a virus/spyware/junk
that then of course made it automatically open up
awful, terrible JUNK
makes me sick to my stomach
junk
argh and blah

and well
see I didn't know what to do.
I mean YES in the broad general sense I did.
but when I was married
it just defaulted as his job
kwim
he kept all that stuff up to date and the like...

and it felt a little overwhelming
or a lot overwhelming
because
I semi figured out what to do
(thank you google and friends)
but their computer is so eaten up it won't let you DO anything
before it throws up a splash screen with an infected error message...

but I will fix it
I will
because
i can
and that, that don't kill me
is makin' me stronger :)

I also ran stairs today.
and I will be the first to tell you that i don't love to exercise...
but I love the way I feel when I do...
I love to feel my body--feel strong
or like it is getting, stronger
and I love the way it helps me think...
and maybe everyone has that effect?
but even if I just walk my five miles...
something about pushing my body-frees my mind
clarity
stronger

I came in and Daddy wanted cookies...his favorite is peanut butter. So I made up a batch of cookies...well two batches....one cooked a bit longer so they were crunchy (the way my Daddy likes them) the other batch soft and chewy (like my kids like them).

I talked to a friend today and had one of those moments of clarity. The discussion was money and its effect on our lives and it was said, ''there have been times I would have burned all of mine if it would have made me happy.'' We are all looking for the same thing, you know. The wise know that it's not found in money or fame or comforts. I will be the FIRST to tell you money makes things easier to deal with and anyone that would deny that is just foolish. But money does not equal happy. You know what equals happy?

Strength.

Strength of character.
Strength of heart.
Strength of purpose.

Stronger.

That Kanye.

:)

and have ourselves a snack...

2010-05-10T09:26:00.002-04:00

answering more questions...

Janet ask:

Here's my question: What are your food quirks? I know you don't like cantaloupe but I don't remember why . . . so what are some of your more aggressive food aversions?

****Heh, food quirks. I like to think don't have a lot of those or well, I don't think of myself as a picky eater...

I don't like cantaloupe-I like to refer to it a vomitloupe :) (i know, gross, right?) Nathan (oldest) LOVES it and would eat a whole one. I buy it for him. I am a HUGE smell person. HUGE. I remember scents. For me, cantaloupe has a BAD smell...I know, I know A LOT of people LOVE the scent of melon (clearly, Bath and Body Works had a whole line dedicated to it) but the scent to me...is just not pleasant, at all. :) So there is the cantaloupe deal.

Otherwise, I don't like beets...turnips (but love turnip greens) I don't like chicken on a bone (but will eat it...but the whole meat pulling away from the bone when you bite it...totally skeeves me out...) I love the TASTE of cottage cheese...but the texture...ick. LOL Those are the things that come to mind, right off.

I LOVE steak---l.o.v.e it. I love salad. A steak salad is my idea of heaven. :)

Over the last couple of years I've really changed the way I eat. I don't avoid carbs all together...but I avoid simple carbs as much as I can. That is not to say I never eat them...because a girl has got to have a potato on occasion. ;) But by default, and because I honestly LOVE them, I eat a lot of salads. It's not about being 'one of those girls that won't eat anything to rabbit food' (one does not get to be the size I was, eating rabbit food...just saying! lol) I love love love food...but salads are a default that are a healthy choice and one that isn't hard for me to make or feel like, ''ugh, that again.'' I also love with a love that is pure and good...guac and pico...and could literally eat it EVERYDAY. :)

It goes without saying I love chocolate. Brownies are my idea of a good time...frosted brownies are like a rebellious good time. Hee! A chocolate cupcake with chocolate frosting is my idea of an engagment ring. ;)

Four

2010-05-09T00:08:00.002-04:00

i need you to know

especially on those days when you doubt it most.

i love you.

i need you to know
my heart aches when I look at you...
when you smile I see your life
I see you taking your first step toward me
and in that same step
taking your first step away...

this momma thing is hard
so hard
because I never, ever want you to hurt.
i don't want the words of mean people to stick in your mind
and rear their ugly heads...
i want everyone to know you
as these incredible beings
so filled with life
and love
and potential

it's what a momma does
she sees her baby
and her heart is transformed

it's on those days
those days that I whisper through clinched teeth...
those days that i ask for just 10 minutes with no one saying , ''momma''
those days that my snark and bark seem far more accessable than my nice...
those days when i am not ''the cool mom''
it's those days
i need you to know
and remember

you are my best effort
you are my world
my heart started beating, the day I met you
you pull from stength I didn't know I possess
you make me braver than I ever knew I could be...

my biggest disappointment in life
would be messing this up...
not being enough
or being too much

I fight against myself everyday
with every decision
...

i need you to know
you make my heart smile
you fill me with purpose
you amaze and delight me

i need you to know
that being your momma
is what I wanted
before I knew what I wanted

i need you to know
you make my heart

whole.

with all of my love,
Momma

The one where I answer your questions...

2010-05-06T09:56:00.002-04:00

From Mama Said...she asked two:

My question... when in the world are you going to come to Canada and visit me? ;)

Why do you love your birthday so much? I've never met someone who loves their birthday as much as you do! I get a kick out of seeing how excited you get about it but wonder why...

****When am I coming to Canada? Um...when it's NOT snowing. :) I've actually been to Canada, back when I was in college--it's beautiful! :)

Why do I love my birthday so much? Hmmmmmm. Honestly, I don't know-I just always have, always. It was never about things--it was about the fun. I didn't grow up having elaborate bday parties, didn't have a sweet sixteen celebration etc...but I love me a birthday. I don't know--it's your day and you get to celebrate! Mostly I like to celebrate with other people. I am ridiculously obnoxious about my birthday. I am...but I want you to be too. I want you to enjoy my day just as much. I want you to celebrate--it's what we should do in life. :)

One of my best memories is my 21st birthday, where I had an Army Ranger in my kitchen making me funnel cakes. Another great birthday memory is from college. Since I have a summer birthday I never really had parties with friends. However, when I was at Truett McConnell, school was still in session and my parents drove up ...brought party goods (Sesame Street!), ice cream, cake and the whole nine yards and we had a party in my dorm lobby--with anyone that wanted to come by...SO much fun. :)

--------------------
Got a question you are dying for me to answer..leave a comment, shoot me an email or post it over on FB. :)

Cinco De Mayo

2010-05-05T10:25:00.003-04:00

May 5th...
not feeling bloggy...
actully feeling bloggy-but they feel heavy and I am wanting to focus on some light and happy...

So in that vein...I open the floor to you, dear readers (waves at the two of you, madly!)

What do you want to know?
What burning question have you been dying to ask...
Do you really wonder if I wash my dust pan (yes!)
Shoe size...
Favorite song...

You ask and I'll answer (more than likely, or I'll say UM, that's a bit too personal so NO! heh!)

Ready...
GO!

Addendum:

if you can't get your questions to post, feel free to shoot them via email cheribrorsen@yahoo.com or PM or post them over at FB. :)

something

2010-05-02T22:06:00.004-04:00

I sat there...
the breeze blowing, just shy of carrying any humidity...
the fountain,
splashing, amid color changes and sending off an occasional askew spray...
all of us
a party of five
sitting on one bench
savoring
the night...
for a few moments
we were just there...laughing
joking
smiling
scooting over to smash together
laughing more
and
it's always the best gift...
the one you get
as a surprise
my eleven year old looks at me
and says,
''mom, i really love you.''

{something special}

then i spotted them
the couple
they were young,
and in love...
you could tell by the way she watched him
and the way he enveloped her hand in his...
he stopped her by the fountain,
spun her around
and they shared a bit
of magic...
a night, so perfect
a memory
so sweet

{something wishful}

and I sat there
with the breeze
my kids giggles
and my heart full...
my life
these moments
I wouldn't trade...
they are my northern star
they are my soul's song
they are the reason I am

{something beautiful}

Things making me happy....

2010-04-30T07:52:00.002-04:00

Friday Felicities...brought to you by the fabulous Nattie Rose...

Things making me happy today

a blue bracelet, that tinks and jingles when it moves--all reminding me of my Beth Moore bible study '' believing God'' and reminding me to pray!

berry.summer.vanilla YUM

preebee feet!

coffee in a most favorite cup

careful with those...you'll put a heart out

2010-04-29T10:23:00.003-04:00

words

devoid of strength
and yet
full of power

to say that I am fan of words would be a
huge
understatement.

I have recently had a conversation on FB with a few friends discussing how words effect me/us.

Honestly there is nothing like
words.
well spoken
rightly timed
I love the rhythm of words
the cadence as they fall from lips.

among the many oddities I claim as mine...
i love to watch people talk.
I am not a phone person.
I will talk on the phone
(and I talk to my best friend mer--every.day)
but in general
the phone makes me feel awkward
like I have to fill the silences that occur or something...
I default to email
because it's easier to type it up at will and shoot it off when I can...
texting i enjoy-for a fun quick hi or whatnot...
but my favorite form of communication
is face to face.

I love to watch someone when they talk,
how they cut their eyes,
the way their lips pause and purse before saying...
something...
the flow of the words,
the timbre of the voice,
the nuance of the face...
all meld in my mind.

I love a good conversation...you've had them...you start talking about a most mundane thing ...chase a topic...share a hundred laughs and circle back around to the mundane...

only in that jaunt
something happened
you scattered words into the air
and into someones soul
and you forever are marked with that memory
you can visit it again
and again
and each time smile.

our words
have such power

the Bible speaks of letting your YES mean YES and your NO mean NO
about how every idle word will be accounted for
how a word spoken at the right time brings healing

to think our words are just letters jumbled together, laced with sound, to fill up a void
is a sad mistake

our words
are all we have

what we say
to others
(and to ourselves)
is what we are...

to throw words around
to sling them out
with no thought to where they land and the weight they carry...
sigh.

our words should be deliberate
thought out
backed up
and followed up with actions

we can SAY anything
and it costs us nothing...

and that is just the truth...

but if we say something
and we want it to count for something
we want it to be believed
for more than
empty syllables
filling
space

we have to be willing
to be
what those words
say we are...

we have to risk
not only saying it out loud
but
then
living it out loud too...

or don't bother saying it...
you use words to hurt
and you hurt words use
when you do that

Vera Dico

Perception IS reality

2010-04-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

or the one about fun house mirrors and doors and life and lies we tell ourselves...

have you ever been to the fair?
did you do the fun house?
you know, you walk through a maze of rooms and within those room are mirrors to confuse you?
there are all sorts of mirrors
but they all do the same thing
they distort your image.

you may be lean and tall
in one
and yet short and stumpy
in the next

but what changed in all that...

perception

the real you
walked to each mirror
and the image reflected back
wasn't YOU
but it was what you saw...

how many of us
believe the mirrors in our lives?

how is it...
we can know Jesus loves us
accepts us
would move the ends of the earth FOR US

and yet

we believe the false mirrors that are throw up for us to look in each day...

why can't we believe
what is real
instead of what is reflected?

why can't we see
and be
what is real?

why do we let our perceptions
color
our mood
our actions
our security
our belief in what we can do?

step out of the fun house
open the door
walk into the Light

catch a glimpse of your reflection in His eyes

reflection IS reality

Tis the gift to be simple...

2010-04-26T17:42:00.002-04:00

Tonight it's drizzled with olive oil
a touch of kosher salt
and coarse black pepper
and roasted to perfection

tomorrow morning
it will be paired with a fresh egg AE collected today on her trip to the chicken pen.
a bit of butter
salt and pepper
for an omelet
divine

Never let it be said there is not beauty in simplicity.
Never mistake many ingredients making something ''more'' special.

Food
much like life
shines
when it's simple and pure
when there is little to hide under sauces and foreign spices.

Savor the flavor.

Bon Appetit :)

Searching for Significance

2010-04-26T10:35:00.004-04:00

i have a friend who is a writer...
a very good writer...
a very, very, very, very, very good writer
hee
clearly a better writer than I am
[looks askance at the use of very (like from a 3rd grade book report) up there]

she's taking a break
a sabbatical
why?
because her books aren't profitable-

her passion
her talent
her gifting

---

significance

we all want it.
we want what we do to matter...
we want to count.

we can love our calling
love our lives
love God

but we are way to wrapped up in a body of flesh to not want an ''atta girl'' sometimes.
it's just what it is...

you can go a long time on knowing we are doing what we are called to do
we can humble ourselves and be gracious to be poor but walking in obedience
but then
the day comes
when it doesn't all make sense...
if we are doing what we are called
if we are walking in His path...
why
is
there
no
validation
and honestly
just honestly
there are bills to pay

(and on the broad spectrum, maybe you are not a writer, but the significance is the same...and the bills may not be paper and mail delivered--maybe they are emotional ones...but they are bills just the same...)

It's very churchy and ''Godly'' to say , "rest in Jesus, find your completeness in Him, let Him be your plumb line for success."

but the heart of us, the deepest part of our spirit wants success...
we want to know our passion
touches others

and that applies across the board
vocations
and relationships

we want to matter

and we want to be secure enough to not care
but we aren't

so we just sit there
wanting

and
even though the truth of it IS
in fact that we DO matter
regardless of external show and praise
there is something
magic
special
redeeming
empowering
about
hearing it...
it being solidified

and today I sit there too
i'm not a writer
just a momma
but that ''atta girl'' yearns deep in me.

I want it to all matter.
I want to know it all matters.

Maybe a sabbatical is what we all need,
a rest in the climb [whatever your climb may be]
a goodbye to some expectations and desires...
a shift in focus
until it all becomes clear, again.

sometimes
goodbye is a second chance.

long night

2010-04-25T10:12:00.003-04:00

I had two kiddos sick throughout the night...
so this morning felt like it arrived far too quickly...
however,
after a bit of Francis Chan
lots of coffee
and a shower
my
life feels manageable again.

This morning I am thankful and again awed by God's faithfulness to me...
That even when I fail, and fail I do...
that He is still there
loving me.

Have a blessed Sunday!

hold on loosely...

2010-04-24T21:40:00.002-04:00

[or finding God in 38 Special]

[ponders how many readers (if I had lots of readers...hee) I would lose for tying God and 38 Special together...]

[oh well, He spoke from a donkey...I figure He can use a little 38 Special]

hi.
my name is cheri
and I am a control freak
ok
maybe not a complete freak
or maybe I am
I just like to know what happens next.
I just do.
I like to feel secure in it...no surprises popping out at the last second.

Why do we think knowing is security?
Sometimes in our quest to KNOW...to secure whatever it is...we lose it
cause we are holding it so
very
tightly.

[this is where 38 Special comes in...hee!]

Hold on loosely, but don't let go

if you cling to tightly, you're gonna lose control

God doesn't promise to tell us what's going to happen...

He promises to be with us WHEN it happens...

Our hurrying around, trying to orchestrate things, getting things in order, making things just so...having a flow chart and time line...

none of that benefits HIM

He already knows.

You know what it does.

It robs US (me!!!!)

of ...

what?

LIFE

It's a trick of Satan. The prince of this world...is out to steal, kill and destroy...Satan LOVES to rob us of ABUNDANT LIFE. So if he can get us fixated on events or things going on...if he can get us distracted into a tizzy trying to FIX AND PLAN and make it all make sense...

then he wins.

We lose sight of ALL THAT WE HAVE...

and what we have ,is the promise of a God that loves us more than anything, that HE is going to take care of us...

provide for us...

be gracious to us...

lavish peace upon us...

shower us with good things...

but we are holding on SO tightly to our agenda...how we want it to work out...

that we lose joy...

we lose today...

we lose laughs...

we lose love...

we lose memories...

hold on loosely

[but cling to Him!]

2010-04-23T18:37:00.003-04:00

Until you reach a point of being tired of where you are...
you will be tired
where you are...

(read that again...I'll give you a moment)

tired?
physically
spiritually
emotionally

it's draining
isn't it?

I know.

But He promises

renewal
refreshment
revival
of mind, body and spirit

run to Him.

rest.

holding wishes in her hands

2010-04-22T09:34:00.002-04:00

holding wishes in her hands
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

Anna-Elizabeth is four.

Her life is pretty simple. She wakes up grumpy. She talks all.the.time. She loves to ride her bike. She handles every situation with flair (or drama...you know whatever you want to call it) She loves to play dress up...

and make wishes.

Spring has arrived in Georgia and with it the explosion of dandelions abound. The difference in being four and being grown...
when you are grown those yellow pesky 'flowers' represent work and weeding...
when you are four
they represent wishes
unlimited wishes...every yellow petal
will one day become a feather of wish.

My girl runs out EVERYDAY looking for wishes plump for picking.
Everyday, with the the same amount of zeal and happy....she plucks it and with great fanfare says , ''now momma, you make a wish, but don't tell me or it won't come true.''

Our lives are dandelions...
sometimes to others our life may appear weedy and pesky...
but if you know anything,
you know your life is a gift. (even on the worst of occasions and situations)
Given to you by a Father God that loves you more than you can imagine.
When you look at your life that way, when you see it with His eyes.
You realize, each day
is brand new...
and full of wishes
and promises
and possibility.

Today,
make a wish
and
blow!

and hear Him whisper, "for I know the plans I have for you, plans for a future and a hope.''

Indeed!

2010-04-20T10:29:00.003-04:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a creation of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that others won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine..."

Hi, my name is Cheri-it's nice to meet you.
I am smart.
pretty.
funny.
creative.
compassionate.
faithful
and
worth it.

God says so.

p.s.
you are too!

Be gentle with the broken ones...

2010-04-19T16:31:00.003-04:00

Be gentle with the broken ones...
their voices loud
their edges harsh
their hearts-
guarded tenderly

they are independent
oh their armor's strong
surrounded by masses
and yet
alone

isolated
by strength
by fear
they'll tell you it's by choice

they're fine
they're happy
an island
remote

Be gentle with the broken ones
in their pride it's hard to bow
...
they are worth the fight
the gentle war-

be gentle, oh so gentle
soft underbellies exposed
their fight ...against flight
be gentle
hold on...

Remembering...

2010-04-19T10:18:00.002-04:00

those that died 15 years ago in Oklahoma City...

also 15 years ago today I got engaged...

the Alfred p Murry building crumbled in a day

my marriage over a series of years...

the children of that tragedy suffer scars and loss...

my children will always carry a brokenness.

Timothy McVeigh planned and executed that demise...

I carry the weight of my own.

Today is a hard day.
and to say otherwise would be a lie.

Speaking the language...

2010-04-18T12:40:00.002-04:00

It's Sunday, we're eating lunch and watching Discovery Channel.

It's what dorks do. :)

While watching a program on Chinstrap penguins a fact caught my attention. After the babies are born, there are literally hundreds of penguins squawking wanting their Momma. The noise is deafening and to me was indistinguishable from surrounding squawks.

However, did you know that each family has it's own sound. That Momma penguin tunes an attentive ear and the call, the specific call of her offspring, brings her to them.

Now, isn't that just like God.

among all the squawking
He tunes his ear
and listens
for our call

and He comes to us-
every time.

Selah!

I love the Lord, for He heard my voice; He heard my cry for mercy.

Psalm 116:1

Step outside the box...He's there too

2010-04-17T12:08:00.002-04:00

(and other things I'm learning along the way...)

my life has always been pretty tidy...
preacher's kid.
straight laced.
rule follower.

Always weighing choices with consequences,
always thinking of how things reflected on my Dad's vocation,
always considering how my decisions made others think of my God...
always
thinking
pondering
what
others
thought.

Not walking in freedom,
more easily held in chains of do's and do not's.

Having a form of Godliness
but denying the power-
of the liberty of
freedom IN Christ

[and I am in no way saying that grace is there, so sin can abound...don't misread!)

I think there are boundaries,
I think God's Word has rules for living
and I think those rules are for our benefit...
He truly does want us to have LIFE--
he wants our lives to be FULL
FREE
OVERFLOWING
with abundance...

I guess what I am seeing in my own life is the journey is not on course with what I thought ...
my life has taken turns I never (in my do A and B and you get C) imagined it would.
I've had to find God in the middle of all that.
I had Him
in this box
all neat and tidy.
He was fine there, as long as my rules were followed, my 'things' carried out, life following the script...

but what happens when there is a missing page in the play?
what happens when you find yourself
where you never thought you'd be?

did God leave you?
did you leave Him?

or

was He there all along and you just had to see Him...

Contained things are always easy to understand. If you have a box full of Lego's, you have chaos controlled.
Poor those babies out and you have a mess.
It's the same mess you had IN the box...only IN the box it appeared organized.

My life was in a box, contained, neat, fixed-- but it was a mess.
It was dumped out and the mess was there for everyone to see.

But the God I held ever so tightly to IN the box, the one that made sense...
I found that HE was holding me
even more tightly
outside the box...

He was in the mess with me...
He was not always making it better,
but making ME better...
He let me rail, whine, cry and ask why...
He let me rant and act ridiculously...
He let me
look for sense in the mess...

He helped me see HIM
in new circumstances,
with new eyes,
in new ways...

because your faith is never stretched so much
as when
you are walking in paths you never imagined...

and it's never restored so much
as when you
you realize (and finally relish the TRUTH of it...)
He loves you, the beautiful mess of dynamic proportions, endlessly.

Who I'm are...

2010-04-16T20:26:00.001-04:00

Who I'm are...
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

Funny Photo Friday...

top left to bottom right

Me at 2
2nd grade
4th grade
8th grade (hi ms pirch)
12th grade
22 (my engagement photo and AE declared today, ''how did that happen, I didn't know you could be THAT beautiful.'' ROTFLOL
me in the mighty warrior of the lord mask (hee...32 ish)
34
short haired me @33
and me today

Wasted days, a wasted knight...

2010-04-15T16:07:00.004-04:00

I don't remember our first meeting, I just know his family is ingrained in so many of my memories.

I met him when I was six. My Daddy had just taken his first pastorate and we had moved to a new town. His family, along with his grandparents, aunts and uncles all attended our church.

I can close my eyes and I am there. I can see the sparkly ceiling of his grandparents house.

Yes, sparkly ceiling. I was six. You notice things like sparkly ceilings. :)

There is a globe, a big wooden globe, only it's not a globe you open it to find a bar service! (woo...a bar service was quite the sight for a Baptist six year old)

I can see them sitting around the round kitchen table.

There is coffee, always coffee.

and smoke

like bar level-they may have all been going to heaven, but they smoked like hell. :)

I can hear a rumbly voice singing, "Somebody Prayed For Me."

I can hear them, laughing.

Among this cluster there are children and grandchildren a plenty, my brothers and I fell right into the mix.

Sunday nights after church found us there playing...

elaborate games of baseball in a standard sized hallway, complete with bases.

He was quite
comparatively
a towhead among brothers that all sported hair the color of chocolate, green eyes to their brown.
A sprinkling of freckles.

This quite boy, was the first boy I kissed. In a field playing after school. I remember it a million years later because when you are six, kisses are new. Especially kisses that aren't tainted with life's troubles and expectations. That kiss, that peck-sweetness indeed.

[however, I would be remiss if I didn't share that after sharing that kiss his older brother ,a hustler even then ,threatened to tell my Daddy I had kissed his brother if I didn't also give him a kiss! Oh my! What was I supposed to do? Well two kisses in one day of course. *grins*]

We left that church, but those people never left our lives. Several years later we moved back to that area and again the tradition of integrating our lives continued. More so, that go round, because the parsonage was in disrepair and we ended up living with his grandparents for a bit.

This time around I was in sixth grade and there was no crush, he was simply my friend -- but he did something for me one day, that set a precedence. He made me believe in the whole knight in shining armor.

We went to the same school, but didn't have the same teacher. However, before school each day we had to sit in a line on the gym floor. This particular morning, a boy was being mean to me, he said something ugly. I sat there and then I heard him. He had walked up from behind as the kid was saying his deal. He simply said, ''hey you better leave her alone, she's my preacher's daughter.''

That was it, there was no fanfare, I mean we were in sixth grade. He did it though, he stood up for me. He made me feel special. Worth fighting for...

This kid
to say he was athletically gifted would be an understatement.
What others strive to be, what they practice to attain, seemingly just flowed from him.
This guy
had the eye of coaches and scouts,
at one of his baseball games, his senior year, he had more than 20 scouts there, just watching, him...
and not once
but twice
had professional teams pursuing him.
kissed with talent.

I found out recently that he walked out of rehab
again

A man that literally had a life pregnant with possibility before him...
lives like a man that has no potential.

A life that was kissed with promise,
now has the litter of failed marriages and children with a Daddy that could have been...

Somewhere along the way, he believed the lie.
He believed he wasn't enough on his own.
He began, maybe in innocent experimentation, filling a hole that only God can fill.
Now, it holds him. Mocks him. Makes a fool of him.
Makes him a disappointment to those that love him most.
Makes him a liar
a cheat
a thief.
It makes him a form of a man...but depleted of all that makes up a man.

Somewhere along the way, he fell for the idea that it was worth it.
That loving it was more important than loving his family,
his wife,
his children...

Chasing the feeling, only to be left in the dust of addiction.

If I close my eyes, years erase and I am back there...
we are kids again,
he's talking to me with that slight lisp, grinning...
always grinning.
We're sitting there in the gym, only this time I'm telling the bully ''hey you better leave him alone, that's my Daddy's kid.''

Will you pray for my friend?
I would be forever grateful.

Honey, I'm home!

2010-04-15T09:24:00.001-04:00

019
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

We took a little excursion down to the Georgia coast. It was our second time to go to St. Mary's/Cumberland Island, Georgia. I love Cumberland Island--remote, filled with beauty and a totally uncluttered beach...just the ocean, sand and surrounded by the evidence that there has to be someone bigger and He does His job well.

I love road trips...
I love windows down
75 mph
music loud
drive time thinking

I did a lot of thinking while driving, about a lot of different things.
I didn't solve any world issues,
but blogging will follow-
some inspired from the thinking,
some inspired from life.

For today-it's back to laundry, schooling and my everyday, day to day.

I'll take some of that...

2010-04-11T16:24:00.003-04:00

This morning I french braided Anna-Elizabeth's hair for church. As is her custom, she dashed to the mirror and admired herself, twirled around, pronounced it beautiful and ran off to have her brothers approve.

Daniel was walking into our room as she was running out and he said, ''Oh Nanna B, you look so beautiful.''

Do you know what Anna-Elizabeth did?

She smiled, hugely and said, "I know, thank you!"

She didn't sound conceited or ungrateful or snitty or prissy.

She sounded pleased. Her smile was mega watts wide, her eyes crinkled in happy. She wanted to be pretty & Daniel had just confirmed what she already knew.

.......

I was recently told something that kind of surprised me. Then of course it made me start thinking.
I was offered a compliment (actually several) and as is my natural response I kind of rebuffed them or joked them off.
My response, however, was met with...
''you know what, that self depreciation is funny for just about a minute.''

and I didn't know what to do with that...

I don't think I am unattractive. But I struggle, I just do, with the concept of someone looking at me and thinking I am beautiful.
Because I know me. LOL
I'm not.
:)
I've blogged before about my weight loss and how all of that plays into my thoughts regarding me now.
I don't know how to hear the compliment.
The only thing I know to do is to remind you of the flaws.
It's not that I think I am hideous,
it's that I want you to know that
...
what do I want you to know...
that I want to be beautiful,
within
and that the exterior is so
flawed,
aged,
damaged from life
that I can't imagine it being beautiful,

not when I think of all that is out there...
the perfect blondes
that haven't birthed babies (or have and still look smokin' hot...heh-so not me)
the skin that didn't stretch,
the veins that didn't bulge,
the body that didn't bounce back...
it's easier to point out these things-
because

(? because it's easier to think that perfection is expected, than perhaps flawed can be beautiful too?)

I watched Anna-Elizabeth today and it made me cry-it honestly did, because I'd love to have some of that...to look at someone and say, "I know, thank you'' and smile a smile that didn't give off prima donna attitude, but gratitude for saying it & making me believe it.

I could learn a few lessons from that girl of mine.

the hard stuff...

2010-04-11T07:41:00.003-04:00

As a Christ follower, my first admission should be that I fail. Often.

I disappoint God, I disappoint myself.

I should also admit that as a Christ follower sometimes the very hardest part is the following aspect. It's easy to pray or read your bible--it's often harder to DO.

God has been working in my life lately, taking down barriers, pushing my boundaries...extending my faith.

It hasn't been pretty.
Because I like to fight against it all.
But I know that the fighting is always futile, He always wins, obedience is always, always best.

So like Ruth I go in, uncover their feet, lie there and trust God ...

God is our kinsmen redeemer...He will restore our situation, He will make our paths straight...

but we have to lie down,
sometimes look a little vulnerable
for God to throw the cover on us...

Naomi instructs Ruth to approach Boaz privately at his threshing floor, next to his fields. Threshing floors were level areas of smooth rock or pounded earth, where harvested grain could be separated from the chaff (or husks) by being beaten, and then tossed into the air against the wind, so that the breeze blew the chaff away, leaving the heavier grain to fall straight down. Naomi’s plan is a risky one that could place Ruth in jeopardy of a potential scandal.

As the owner of the field, Boaz could have had others guard his harvested crop…but he likely enjoyed all aspects of farm life. Ruth finds Boaz, sees that he is asleep, and uncovers his feet so that he would wake up, shivering from the chill, and notice her. We know enough of Boaz’s character to know he will not take advantage of Ruth’s vulnerability.

When Boaz awakens, Ruth asks him to spread the corner of his garment over her. This was a common expression of the day, referring to the protection of marriage. To throw a garment over a woman was to claim her as one’s wife. The same word translated “garment” here is translated “wings” in 2:12, referring to the provision of God. In Ezekiel 16:8, God says to the nation of Israel, “I spread the corner of my garment over you...I gave you My solemn oath and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine.”

Ruth is asking Boaz to be her kinsman-redeemer. Our kinsman-redeemer is Jesus, Who has redeemed us by sacrificially taking the penalty for our sin upon the cross. Like Boaz, He has the right to redeem, He is able to redeem, and He is willing to redeem. Jesus has purchased us with His blood, has made us His bride, and is now preparing a home for us in Heaven.

*from HERE

say what you need to say

2010-04-10T22:04:00.003-04:00

did you know I was never a huge John Mayer fan till the last year or so...
I love his song, "Say What You Need To Say''

My favorite line...

''even if your hands are shakin'

and your faith is broken

even as the eyes are closing

do it with a heart wide open...

say what you need to say''

As someone, who (believe it or not) has gone their whole life weighing every word...this song, as a reality is hard for me. Very hard. I am a very wordy girl. I love to talk. I am sarcastic and quick with wit and comebacks, generally. I love to joke and kid around. But it is rare that I open up and really say what I need to say.

Why?

Rejection, of course.

It's much, much easier for me to appear one way, to project that...than it is to disappoint you with who I really am.

That probably sounds far more dramatic than intended. The point is...I can listen to you. I can hear your struggles. I can see broken places in your life & it makes me love you more. It makes me want to help you...to pray for you...to encourage you...to let you know that YOU are not those broken things...you are incredible and you shine and you have this amazing potential and capacity to be so much. I can see that so clearly.

I can't seem to apply it to me. I seem to think that if I let you know i'm broken that it will be too much.

and you'll walk away.

so it's safer for my heart

to project the 'kinda sorta have it together'

and shoulder on...

than to risk you knowing me

and not liking me.

rejection is a hard, hard thing.

I learned to be funny...early on

to make fun of myself before you had the opportunity.

I built up huge walls...

that protected me

from both having deep relationships but also from being hurt deeply...

The thing is...with people like me...the ones that have the biggest walls...

if you EVER penetrate them,

you find that we have the most tender hearts...

so easily bruised

because we've exposed them to so few.

You find that we give, until it hurts, typically, because we've trusted you enough to let you in...

You find a person so scared

so very scared.

Because then you have the power to hurt us, and hurt us badly...

And on the convex, you end up putting expectations on those you do let in...sometimes unfairly.

And sometimes people do hurt you...

they just do...

and you hurt them...

but you can't, I can't

live my life protecting myself from potential pain...

not when there is so much potential magic...

say what you need to say...

carrying the hammer

2010-04-07T09:29:00.003-04:00

i have a friend, that when she was walking through a trial would say, ''at least i'm not carrying a hammer.''

she was making reference to Noah. how years before there was even on drop of rain...he was building a boat.

now, hindsight allows us to call this faith. i mean he was doing as God instructed....he was doing the right thing. obedience.

at the time, however, can you imagine how he felt some days...
carrying around a hammer
building a boat
predicting a great flood
while everyone looked on
and snickered
laughed
mocked

i can imagine some days felt very long...
carrying that hammer
preaching
warning
begging
wanting so badly for them to hear truth
to see truth

have you ever felt like that?
that God has called you to something...
maybe not ark building,
maybe not even near that scale...
but regardless,
God so often calls us out of our comfort zone
hands us a hammer
and there we go

knowing and trusting that God knows best
that his instruction,
his assignments
are for our betterment...

but man
the pride
(my pride)
the hammer singles us out
makes us look silly at times...
makes us have to be really raw
vulnerable
open
all for the sake
of obedience

and maybe the rain, the reason behind us carrying the hammer, is just as hidden to others as the flood was to those in the book of Genesis...

but the rain will come
the reason will make sense
God never leaves us in the rain, to weather the storm
because
see
that hammer there your holding now...
ensures you have an ark of protection.

the darkest day, the brightest Light

2010-04-02T23:39:00.002-04:00

I can only imagine...
can't you?

Imagine being in the times of Jesus.
To see Him.
Touch Him.
Watch Him.
To witness, the presence of the God man...

The eyes that looked with compassion, looking at you...
the hands that healed the sick, touching your shoulder...
the voice that spoke the world into existence, saying your name in salutation...

I try to think, as a mother, how Mary must have felt...
His whole life had been marked
He was the Messiah
The Promised One
...
she had birthed him
alone
with the audience of Heaven as her doula...
encouraging her...cheering her on...
she held him
when he was restless with teething
when he cried in pain

She looked at Him in awe...
because she was raising the Savior
of.the.world.

How her heart must have ached
to know the pain that was to come...
how her spirit must have broken, knowing that the boy
that was on her lap
that looked up at her sleepily
one would day
look at her
from the cross of Golgotha

can you imagine?

That day, that Friday...was the fulfillment of the old testament prophets...
it was the reason He was born
He came
to die
So that we
could live...

All of His life to that point, was by no means moot...oh it had reason and purpose...
but His design
was to complete Salvation's Plan...
to make us, worthy
to provide a way for us to reach Him...

it was no small thing when Mary reached out her hands to Jesus to help him...

cause in that moment
she witnessed
the hands that would reach
stretch
grasp
for each of us

oh what a Savior!

the difference between a doormat and a doorway...

2010-03-27T20:49:00.002-04:00

have you ever observed a situation and from the comfort of it not being you, you wax sagely on how you'd go about things...if it were???

it's often easy to fix others, huh? :)

Jesus said, ''i came that you may have life, and have it abundantly.''

he wants that for us.
but so often
our choices, our shackles, our guilt,
our whatever
holds us in this 'place'...

we don't think we can have...
or deserve ''life abundant''
so we don't allow it...

somehow we will pay our dues
and continue to swim around in a pool of mediocre
as if that will somehow
pay for us...being, um, us.

we are swimming around, showing God how sorry we are
that we aren't better
smarter
more godly
and all the while he is thinking
um
hey you
down there
FIND SOME HAPPY
FIND SOME JOY

i have this huge life of abundant JOY i have carved out for you
and yet
every time
I see you
you are swimming
in
all the mess you have created.

don't you think that saddens the heart of the God that dances over us?
that we'd settle
in an effort
to humble ourselves enough
to deserve him to cast his eye our way...

we deign to be a doormat
when we are one step from the Doorway.

think about it
you walk up to a home
and there in front of the door ...
the doormat
(it catches the stuff we don't want inside)
but
one little step
changes everything
because ONE STEP
and you are over the thresh hold...
you are in the Doorway...

you are in the house
what you had no ''right'' to as the doormat...
what you wouldn't claim as your own
while out on the porch...
now it's yours

have at it

go ahead
take that step
walk though the Door

He's been waiting for you.

:)

What we're all saying...

2010-03-26T11:23:00.003-04:00

''I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.''

--julia roberts/knotting hill

...

don't we all have this deep need to be loved...

not speaking only to romantic love (even though the quote leans to that thought...)

among our friends

our family

and yes

our husbands/wives/significant others.

we all want to be loved.

completely.

...

we want to have a soft place to fall...

we want them to know us

the ugly parts,

the insecurities,

the failures,

the unlovable parts...

and we want them to say,

to affirm us...

...

anyway.

...

hollywood and books tend to build this up in a most unrealistic fashion...

because

real life

isn't hollywood

nor a book

...

and our expectations go unmet

because they aren't based on anything that is reachable...

...

have you noticed how when people are in love, feel loved, they walk with an air of confidence...a knowing...a security?

...

Christ says, "I have love you with an everlasting love..."

and yet, we walk around

unsure

...

we discredit the very woo-er of the universe

by not boldly

walking in the assurance

the confidence

that we are loved beyond measure.

He treasures us...

adores us...

dances over us...

he knows us

and I mean KNOWS us...

he knows our motives

our thoughts

our deepest secrets

and he looks at us

with a love so deep and strong

it should take our breath away...

...

cause he is standing there

just asking us

to love him.

[swoon]

happy birthday to my Daddy...

2010-03-25T06:43:00.001-04:00

my daddy
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

He is opinionated

He is funny

He has a strong work ethic

He has his doctorate degree

He butchers hogs in the winter

He is not impressed by titles or position

He reads biographies & history

He tells everyone he meets about Jesus.

He hunts & fishes

He does not put on airs or think highly of those who might

He loves completely

He gets mad and gets over it-before you are able to process what he said while he was mad :D

He's my daddy and while we butt heads and disagree and argue . I love him, so very much.

Daddy's Hands

I remember Daddy´s hands, folded silently in prayer.
And reaching out to hold me, when I had a nightmare.
You could read quite a story, in the callouses and lines.
Years of work and worry had left their mark behind.
I remember Daddy´s hands, how they held my Mama tight,
And patted my back, for something done right.
There are things that I´ve forgotten, that I loved about the man,
But I´ll always remember the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

I remember Daddy´s hands, working 'til they bled.
Sacrificed unselfishly, just to keep us all fed.
If I could do things over, I´d live my life again.
And never take for granted the love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.

Daddy's hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love .....
In Daddy´s hands.

[the reason I took a picture of the shirt? Well because I can pretty much guarentee you my daddy has NOT ONE CLUE who Donna Karan is and I washed this shirt while he was here and giggled thinking about my daddy wearing DK]

(pic and journaling from 2008)

THIS is the perfect planting outfit...

2010-03-24T18:00:00.001-04:00

THIS is the perfect planting outfit...
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

That was her proclamation before running out to work in the garden today.

That girl!

it's never what it seems...

2010-03-21T00:13:00.003-04:00

So this week, it broke that Jesse James has been having an affair with a tattooed lady...

Please know, going into this post I stand by my mantra, ''anyone is capable of anything...anyone...anything''

That he cheated on his wife, isn't so shocking. I mean people do it everyday.
That he cheated on Sandra Bullock.
um,
wow.

The flesh is so capable of falling.
Women are so able to lure, to use their bodies, their wits, their 'damsel in distress, weaknesses' against men.
Now, I am not giving men an out.

Ultimately, everyone is responsible for their choices and actions.

I think men have a hard time.
I think this world is designed to make it harder for men to be circumspect.
I think when you take visual creatures
and you take women that flaunt what they have visually...
well,
then you have a battle.

My heart breaks for Sandra Bullock.
How she must feel rejected.
hurt.
betrayed.
I so wish, so wish, Jesse James could have paused...
could have stopped
and thought
I wish he could have seen how his choice
his giving into
the temptation
would make his wife feel.
how it would effect her...
how she would carry that around...
so heavy.

The whole situation makes me wonder...what is enough?
I mean they have money...
houses...
looks...
perfect bodies...
and still not satisfied...

what fills that need
that longing
if all of those things don't...

(whispers...Jesus)

caution...process in progress

2010-02-20T00:27:00.003-05:00

That is me...well, was me. Ok. It is me. I mean that is a picture of me. However, when I look at it, it makes me cringe a little...and sad, a lot. That was me in February 2008. My body issues run long and deep. Never having been thin, the concept is foreign. I should say, never having perceived myself as thin...esk. I look back at pictures and realize I was no where near the size I thought I was...the big girl in my head--is not the girl looking back at me. Was I model thin, no...but I also wasn't the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon I envisioned in my minds eye. I've honestly, never been the pretty girl. Don't mistake that to think I had horribly low self esteem. I just accepted things for what they were...I was funny and chunky, I hung out with the pretty girls.

In January of 2008 I was the mom of 4 kiddos. I would LOVE to be able to say I was post partum here and allow an excuse...but AE was 2 by this point. I was grossly overweight. I was not happy. I was in the land of eternal winter. I was sad.

Now I am so not one of those people that makes everything else the reason. I was fat because I ate too much. I ate the wrong things. I ate a lot of the wrong things.

and losing weight is hard.

But I started in 2008
and 2 years later I am not that girl any longer.

only I am.

I'm still the fat girl in my head.
I think I may always be the fat girl.
cause I've always been the fat girl. LOL

Body image is such a weird thing. It's something I haven't given and have given an extraordinary amount of thought to...

I was at Walmart the other day and the older gentleman checking my purchases made a comment. (a family walked by, both were larger --very large, and walking was an exercise...KWIM) The man commented, (and it wasn't in a mean tone at all...it was simply an observation, I'm not saying it wasn't insensitive, I'm saying I don't think his motive was to be mean.)"I don't see how they get out of the house like that.''

Immediately I took every word he said and internalized it...just as if he were talking to me. Because the me standing there in the size 12 jeans, might as well have been back in the size 22's...

see, still the fat girl, inside.

I don't know how you get beyond that...

[then there is the whole post pregnancy with four kids, nursed four kids, pregnant 4 times in seven years, can you really get stretch marks everywhere on your body, oh look I should pose for the centerfold of national geographic dynamic too]

I don't struggle with thinking I'm funny.
I don't struggle with thinking I'm smart.
I don't' struggle with thinking I'm a good mom.
I don't struggle with thinking I am talented/creative.
I don't' struggle with thinking I am a good cook.

But wrapping my head around my true image is hard.
I suppose it's something all women deal with on some level.

I saw a picture from last summer-it's not a good picture. It's a shot of me from July 4th-slightly blurry and I'm not even looking at the camera, my face is contorted in some, ''what am I looking for/at'' pose.

but I saw the picture and had to look twice, who am I kidding I looked three...six, ten times.

It was me.

Only I didn't recognize her.

I like to think I'm in the home stretch. I want to lose another 40 lbs. I hope by my birthday in June. But I am also walking and toning and trying to do what I can with what I have...lol I want to get to know me, this me that I don't recognize, that I am not at all familiar with...

I want to be her friend.

been thinking...

2010-02-19T12:09:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking...

on the Beatitudes, and yarn projects & unfinished yarn projects, and expectations, and words and the power of them...

{I've been wondering why we fight for something we don't really want ...to prove...what...exactly???

about over protection...and insecurity.

not understanding things--but having an understanding of things
(think on that a minute!)

I've thought about how a little leaven, causes a lot of flour to rise...and a little sin causes a life to fall.}

Blessed are the peacemakers...
(think on that...)
Blessed are they that mourn...
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after righteousness...
Blessed are the meek...
Blessed are the merciful...
Blessed are the pure in heart...
Blessed are the persecuted...

There is a line of a song I love, "held'' by Natalie Grant. It goes, ''who told us we'd be rescued?''

Sometimes there is a thought, that the Christian life is a life of ease. That if you commit to Christ then it's all pie in the sky, good things, money rolling in and no worries. However, why, oh why, would scripture give us the Beatitudes if that were so...

We are not promised to be rescued...
We are promised to be SAVED.

This Lenten season, there are things I am curbing...sacrificing. But more than that I am gaining. I am gaining a glimpse of His righteousness. I am humbled to see my need for Him so desperately. I am shamed by the pride my heart has carried. I am seeking to die to me, my wants, my will, my desire and to SEE HIM and what He offers as truly what is the best. I am making physical and spiritual offerings this season, there is death, but there is a promise...

blessed are they that mourn
for they shall see God.

(brand new eyes!)

blessed weekend, my friends.

Fat Tuesday...

2010-02-16T08:52:00.003-05:00

It's Fat Tuesday...and really in my life, that means nothing. LOL

It's just fun to type. HEE!

Fat Tuesday proceeds Ash Wednesday, which means Lenten season.

As a Baptist, Lent has not been something I have regularly observed. However, as an adult, I have on my own taken to giving up things. The idea of giving up something, of making an offering, appeals to me. Pressing into Jesus, taking something seemingly small but important to me & giving it back to Him.

This year Lent looms near & my thoughts are moving toward my sacrifice.

Methinks an Internet break. There I said it. That's what keeps coming to mind. Maybe a FB break? I think I want to blog through the experience--maybe just a set amount of time on the net?

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth become strangely dim, in the light of his glory and grace.''

I want to run into Him this Lenten season. I want new vision. I want a pure heart. I want more of Him and far, far less of me.

the one where I get really excited that we are halfway through February...

2010-02-15T09:30:00.003-05:00

It's February-mid February that means we are halfway through the long (albeit shortest month) cold month of love.

February represents winter for me. January is cold but you still have the momentum of having celebrated Christmas & all those resolutions motivating you. February hits and the steam is dying, it's grey & typically it's the coldest month around here.

Today though, we are halfway through February. Half.way.
almost done.

See over there, it's March peeking out around the corner. :)

YAY.

I like to call today, Almost March...

and Almost March makes me happy and full of thoughts like...

--gardening
--jonquils
--baby chicks
--flip flops (legally, at least...hee)
--fun, flirty, springy skirts
--digging in the dirt
--setting up the pool (ok, really this year has to be easier, no?)
--the smell of spring, followed by the smell of summer
--longer days
--warmer temps...hotter temps (yes!)

Winter takes it toil, but Almost March gives promise and hope--Spring is dancing before us...Summer is on the way...

happy
happy
sigh!

happy gooey hearts day...

2010-02-14T00:55:00.003-05:00

my mind feels full and tumbly...thoughts swirling, nothing really fantastic or maybe it is.

i always censor ...i have this internal censor that is set on super dee dooper mega HIGH. I analyze what I write/say/said, reanalyze and rethink it...

except sometimes I don't...

it's rare that I am comfortable enough to just BE--there are way to many flaws I need to point out...and so not censoring is not an option.

(p.s. i am not saying this is right or wrong, i am saying it is what it is)

-----

i often am disappointed in myself (not in an angsty oh i am awful kind of way...), i often feel that I have this responsibility to BE all of this (and this is put on me, by myself, not someone else. I struggle with allowing myself to err. Because, I think if I do--then someone else will see that and think...''um, wow.'')

----

confession

i struggle
i fall
i fail
i stumble

i do what i say i wont
and fight to do what I say i will
(remind you of Paul???)

I am a beautiful mess of dynamic proportions.

I am learning to accept all that...
to learn that it's ok to not be it all...

i am learning to offer myself grace
the same grace HE so freely extends

I am learning that amid disappointment, things that don't make sense and that seem unfair--that the growth...the lesson is in learning that HE is already there. He never ask us to walk alone. He is not a cosmic killjoy out to rob us of LIFE ABUNDANT--no, HE is there wanting that for us. What He doesn't want is me trying to accomplish it on my own. Those results...

disappoint

always...

what i love most about grace
is that it is a renewable resource...
presently active
renewing

just for me

there are things
i don't know if I will ever be able to change
but I know that HE holds me
and has enough GRACE
for me to make it.

Selah!

<3
love love! :)

Mixed bag of stuffs (bullet format...probably...lol)

2010-02-10T10:18:00.003-05:00

* just because you make a choice, doesn't mean you can't feel some sadness regarding it. to assume because YOU made the choice it's all cut and dried and you are blissfully rolling around in happy, isn't always the correct assumption.

*I have a baby blanket mocking me from my crochet basket. (MOCK.ING)

*God honors our obedience-always. honors our obedience, even when it's hard for us to obey. the reward is in DOING it anyway. (lather, rinse, repeat)

*I don't deal well with unplanned occurrences. (ha! major understatement!) Me, fight change? NO! LOL

*dear summer. I Miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss You. (sings the really bad Climaxx song from the 80's)

*my boys are currently watching a documentary on Hitler on History Channel. Yes, technically it's school time, but I figure we can count that as part of History today. :)

*Mer comes home in 24 days! Yay!

*I believe anyone is capable of anything--anyone. anything. A wise man once said, ''pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall." Anyone. Anything. So don't be surprised when people do things. It SO could be you (me!)

*along that same vein...somewhere it's lost in translation in Christendom..."Jesus loves you....only he doesn't love YOU, well not like you are, so if you'll just get RIGHT ...good enough so that you don't bother ME with your pesky sin issues, then i'm sure Jesus would consider loving you.'' Know What I mean??? I mean, see I believe God calls us to holiness. No doubt. I believe there should be change in us, if we call Him Lord. However, somewhere we lose our ability to demonstrate God's utter LOVE to others. It's as if we think if we let them know, we love them, right where they are, that somehow they will think God thinks living in sin is a good thing. People, God is a big, big God. He has the Holy Spirit on His side. He can SO handle drawing people and changing people. We need to do our part...to simply meet people where they are, love them, show them Jesus and watch HIM DO THE WORK... /rant

*I really, really love the new song by Need To Breath Something Beautiful (whispers, a lot!)

*In the wise words of Dr. Tony Dickerson, "I have never regretted something I didn't say.'' [now YES, we hold plenty of regrets for things we do say...and we may regret not saying something we should have said...this statement is in the context of that issue of verbal diarrhea...where we spew way more than need be...KWIM (and lo, I have so spewed and so regretted...and almost spewed and been able to say, ''whew, well at least I didn't SAY that...'' LOL)

*the sun is shining today--the weather effects me now, it never has much before...but now, if there is a long run of grey or rain, yeah...UGH, my mood is the pits.

*I am amazed, honestly, truly, amazed by Jesus' love for me-and his tolerance for me and my crazy. LOL

*I am finally feeling better. 5 weeks of the cough that was almost TB and I am BETTER! (whispers...YAY!)

*losing weight...after several months on a plateau, I am back to seeing things in a downward pattern. That makes me happy, very.much.so. (very!)

*you cannot replace somethings...you do well not to try...

*i have a mother load of laundry to do...

*I don't understand people that don't like Valentine's Day. I mean, really? Are you so angsty and jaded that you can't enjoy a Reese's Peanut Butter Heart? Really? FIND SOME HAPPY! ;)

*I am truly awed by my kiddos and about 7 days out of 10 I feel like I don't do them justice as their mom. (and that's just the truth)

*I bought "A League Of Their Own" from the cheap bin at Target the other day. I love that movie, as much now as I did the first time I saw it.

*Hard days, are hard...but they shape you, they whittle away stuff, they stretch you. They make you hurt, cry, regret, rethink...they make you better...

*they are calling for snow possibly on Friday--UH SNOW, NO! -- again, see point five!!!

*I say this often, ''the lazy man and the hasty man does the job twice.'' (just ask my kids)

*I think of Nattie, everyday, mostly because she was smart enough to leave me with this that I leave with you...

''Hope...sometimes it is blinding like the spring sunshine. Sometimes it is a gentle warmth that comes with kind words. Sometimes it washes over you like waves in the ocean and sometimes it just envelopes you slowly. Sometimes it is like water in a dry land, but it is there if you look for it.''

winter blooms

2010-02-08T18:30:00.005-05:00

"And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

Don't you wish life was risk free? Pain free?

To make all your decisions and choices knowing that they were the right ones...success was guaranteed.

Well of course we want that...

The only thing is, life isn't like that...it just doesn't work that way.

This is probably my biggest struggle. I want to know. I want control. I want things laid out in order so that they make sense. I want the least amount of fallout possible. I want to avoid fallout. LOL

I was talking about this with my friend Meredith (who is a lot like me, btw, lol) and she said, ''but Cheri, if you control it all and you are safe then that's all you get...''

and then I thought about it for a long time.

I was walking yesterday, my usual laps around the church deal & thinking on our conversation.

She's right you know.

I can control everything, seemingly.

I can.

I can shelter myself into a safe square.

But,

guess what...

all I get from that is the safety of that square.

Sure, it's a 'guaranteed existence'

but I'm not sure that's the goal, anymore.

I'm not talking crazy people, I not talking about making decisions willy nilly, disregarding common sense and Godly wisdom.

I'm just talking about living

instead of planning how life is going to go.

[and yes, I realize there is a balance in that, we DO need some planning!]

I'm talking about trusting God with the outcome. Trusting He is already there and that I have to step out of the square to be a part of it too.

God doesn't need me to organize how it all happens. Why? Because, well, see He is God and He kind of excels at that sort of thing. LOL

I'm talking about being honest with myself, raw and vulnerable, and putting that out there.

That means, I may be hurt.

I may get chinks in this armor I sport.

But it means, I will live, in the present.

I won't look out from the safety of a square and wish...

i go blogging after midnight...

2010-02-05T01:03:00.004-05:00

i wrote an email the other day, and included a line of lyrics from a song...the lyrics were not gramatically correct...the person I sent it to is a grammar nazi...i'm not sure they know the song...now I think ''surely they don't think I meant it like that...''

LOL, that's what I think about at 1 a.m.

Buffalo Chicken Pizza (lc)

2010-02-04T11:57:00.001-05:00

Buffalo Chicken Pizza (lc)
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

supper tonight...
low carb
buffalo chicken pizza

yum-o

flushing the lines...

2010-02-04T10:28:00.002-05:00

so we are having septic tank issues here at the house.

you know, fun stuff with funky smells and stuff oozing up in the yard...

a few weeks ago, a man came out and emptied the tank. he said that should fix it--but if it didn't, then the problem was further down, in the lines and they'd need to be flushed out.

don't you love when jesus gives you a parallel that involves a septic tank...

heh

our lives, my life, often has septic tank issues...and I'll take a bit of time and empty the tank (mind)...but often times the issue is in the lines...in the heart.

flushing those lines...it's more work.

right now, there is a backhoe excavator digging up the back yard.
it's no small job.
whereas, when the man emptied the tank, he simply drove up with his 'honey dipper' truck, pulled out a long suction tube and emptied it ...
today there is bigger equipment
a much more tedious process
with lots and lots of digging
the backyard, shows signs of deconstruction...

then after all that work--the real job takes place, and they flush the lines.

on the surface, i can keep my mind ''emptied'' and honestly that is the first step in keeping your heart flushed and clean. but it's easy (for me at least) for me to let the lines get clogged. my flesh is susceptible, to be wooed by the things of the world. i am tempted to succumb. i fail and i have fallen.

then i realize, because of something oozing up in me, that my heart needs flushed.

the heart...
the Word speaks and declares that ,''the heart is desperately wicked who can know it.''
we are warned to, ''guard your heart for out of it springs the issues of life.''
we are told in Proverbs, ''to keep your heart with diligence.''

ouch.

it's easy to keep the tank emptied but to avoid the deeper issue,
what's clogging the lines...
if our hearts are not flushed
then excavation is needed.
some deep digging, some deconstruction
but in the end
the lines are clear
our hearts... pure

create in me a pure heart, and renew a right spirit in me.

what i'm not saying...

2010-02-01T07:09:00.003-05:00

there was a time, when my speech pattern contained the phrase, does that make sense, a lot.

I remember, because it was before I started blogging, but when I read blogs and thinking if I had one I would name it, ''does that make sense.'' ;)

I think everyone longs to be understood.

I think it's hard to feel misunderstood.

I think life is full of varied relationships. I don't think they are all the same (duh!) I was discussing this over the weekend with one of my very best friends. By nature I am not an open person. I am very outgoing. I am social. I am talkative. I am loud. I am fun and funny. But I am not one that connects with people beyond the surface, very easily.

I am not saying that is a good thing. I am just being honest. I struggle with being vulnerable. I struggle with exposing myself and allowing you the power to hurt me or use that vulnerability against me. (this can also be labeled as pride...which I suppose exposes the core issue, a sin issue of PRIDE...ugh)

I had someone tell me recently something that kind of took me aback. They said that I tend to see the negative. (!!!) That I could be told ten good things, but be told one thing that was not so good and I would focus on that ONE thing and over think it to death. (really?)

I've always thought of myself, more as a realist. I am not typically girly (I don't think, but again, who knows...) I deal better with just brutal honesty, than sugar coating stuff. I don't like vague, could mean, but may not mean, so don't make an assumption as to the meaning, statements. Just say what you need to say as John Mayer sings to us...

I've been caught up in a cycle of words verses actions. I've questioned myself regarding this a lot. I mean how often do we say something...and how often do we follow that up with actions? I want my words and actions to match. I don't want to say something, but appear another way. I also want to be careful how I listen, to be sure to filter all of what I hear. If it's true, if I tend to believe the negative, if I latch onto it...then why? Why would I do that? That's not fair to me, or to the person sharing with me.

I tell my kids often, ''assume a positive intent,'' I think I'd do well to remind myself of that motto...

starting now

Sunday drive...

2010-01-31T14:36:00.003-05:00

some blogs I love...

(all those crafty ones there in the sidebar are a given...)

Nie Nie (oh.my.stars...her life amazes me. I found her when I was in Montana and she made my Saturday mornings happy...her life, her love of her kids, her devotion to her Mr. ...then the plane crash and now seeing her rebuild...inspiring, awesome, incredible)

C. Jane (sister of Nie)

V & Co (cause that's crafty right there...)

Peabody -- love her!

How To Eat A Cupcake -- enough said

and everyone on the planet already reads her...but it goes without saying...

The Pioneer Woman

Saturday...bullet style

2010-01-30T10:55:00.002-05:00

* I miss Saturday mornings, 'my way, there was coffee and lots of Food Network

*I'm tired of this head cold I have...it's 3 weeks now, really? Be done.

*I want to go to the movies-and see about 6 different movies out currently.

*I'm ready for Spring and SUMMER.

*Today I am reorganizing my living space--the school stuff is taking over.

*There is great truth in ''happiness is not getting what you want, it's wanting what you have.''

*I love the New Testament (and the old, too, but I'm reading the new right now.)

*I am tired of this head cold (did I mention?)

*I'm procrastinating starting my day, however, it's 11 a.m. so I really need to kind of just do that already.

*cranks up Pandora, scurries off to tidy and reorganize room. :)

Happy Saturday.

little things making me happy...and babbling

2010-01-29T19:45:00.001-05:00

friday_felicities
Originally uploaded by joymombecky

today the things making me happy...

*text that make me smile
*ice cold diet mt dew
*friendships and long phone conversations with lots of laughing
*yarn, soft baby yarn
*having a plan to work toward this weekend...gotta love goals

It's Friday evening almost 7:30 and here I sit. :) I would try and it wasn't a good thing, however, I love being home in my pj's watching a movie and crocheting. :)

I had such a good time last week. On the surface, just being with friends that are like family was enough--but the time away allowed me time to think. Now, if you know me, you know that I can overthink anything...it's just the way my brain works. God used that time though to reach me, to clarify some things. Things that weren't huge, but were taking up brain space, nonetheless. My spirit feels settled-there is a great amount of peace in that happening.

I was talking with one of my best friends today. A friend that knows me, all of me, and loves me. There is no preface with her. I don't have to give her background to explain a situation, I just tell it. She is the same with me. There is comfort in someone knowing you, and loving you, anyway. I am blessed to have her as my friend.

I thought a lot over choices and situations throughout life. I can see how things worked and how some things didn't. I can see where I was selfish in some things and where I chose my way over God's way-I can see where He protected me anyway. God is good like that...he won't allow us to go beyond his reach--but he won't chase us down--he gives us His Word, he gives us Truth....but he allows our will to act. The flesh, ah, the flesh is such a monster. Feed it and it grows and grows. It is so easy, in the moment to get caught up and give in -- but God has made a way, even at our weakest point--to escape. I am so thankful for God's grace and mercy. I am thankful that He loves me , in spite of me. I am thankful that I can't run beyond His reach.

I am crocheting a baby blanket. I love baby blankets. I love the softness of the yarn. I love the rhythm of the pattern. I love that in a short while a new little one will be wrapped in it. A new one with a whole life ahead of them. Isn't that exciting!

This weekend holds a lot of rearranging around here. I have to reorganize the school stuff, reorganize AE's toys and finish laundry from our trip & get church stuff laid out for Sunday.

For now I have yarn and a little girl...both are calling. I think I'll watch The Little Mermaid and crochet a bit.

Happy weekend to you.

home again, home again

2010-01-27T16:53:00.002-05:00

and today we are home...

well we got home last night, but I after a quick facebook check in I started laundry, got kiddos into cozy clothes and called it a night.

today-we are recouping, tomorrow school! :) (the kids are VERY excited about that..heh)

our trip was really, really nice. we spent our time at the camp by the river. every morning I woke to the sun rising off the water and took my coffee listening to the river greet me.

there were walks on the sandbar, building of forts, exploring in the woods, riding the four wheeler, campfires, smores and lots of conversation.

the best part of it all-it was like family.

visits are always fun, but when you visit with people that are part of your heart...that know you, it makes the visit even more special.

we were able to worship with two separate church families.

God used the time away, the difference in scenery, the quiet to speak to my heart. situations that I have over thought and circumstances that I can't control, gained a new perspective-i love that.

it's good to be home.

it's also good to have a home away from home.

:D

Monday, Monday...

2010-01-18T07:49:00.002-05:00

da, da, da, da, da,da...

I got up this a.m. at 5:45. Well I woke at 5:44 one minute before my alarm--sweet! I *hate* the jarring effect of the alarm. Typically I wake on my own, after a few weeks of getting up early to the alarm. Today was a nice surprise.

I am not a morning person. I, if I had my way, would stay up till about 3 a.m. and sleep till about 9 or 10 a.m. However, having children and homeschooling kind of dampers that 'dream.' I have kind of formed myself into a morning person over the years. After having kids I found that getting up early, provided me with some needed ''me'' time. Now,I could take it at the end of the day, but by then I am typically spent and can't enjoy it the same way.

Today is our busy day. Monday's holds a full school day, Elijah's therapies (speech and occupational therapy) clear on the other side of town and errands. Today also starts the prep for our road trip at the end of the week. While I can say I have relaxed a good bit, I will never been able to just wait till the last minute/fly by the seat of my pants, when it comes to trips. :D So yes, today begins the list making of outfits to take/packing of the meds bag/finding the power cords/chargers for all electronics and laundry.

Today also finds me planning my crochet project for the trip. I have something in mind-I'll just have to see.

For now, it's almost 8 a.m., which means I need to wake the kiddos and get ready to get the day started.

Happy Monday, friends!

Caution...this may be random...

2010-01-17T22:09:00.002-05:00

perhaps bullets, I haven't done that in a while...

-we went to church today...first time this year...the great Cough Fest of 2010 seems to be done.

-I haven't done very well with getting up @ 5 since Christmas break...all that changes tomorrow.

-January 2010 is halfway over & I have stuff marked off my 'to do' that makes me happy!

-I've been thinking a lot about, well, a lot. LOL

-I had a pedicure today--and that makes me happy, really happy, probably happier than it should. :)

-I always think of Nattie when I get my pedicures.

-I can't settle on a new book to dive into...so I've been reading lots of short stories and magazines.

-I have a friend who doesn't make new years resolutions, she just makes it a goal to do something everyday, no matter how small, that is different/new. I've kinda taken on that goal myself this year.

-I'm going to be 37 this summer. 37. I don't feel 37. I look about 47. ROTFLOL

-I try to not wish my life away, but I miss summer. Granted Georgia winters are mild things...but I still love the sun, humidity, long days & fun of summer.

-I haven't been a very good blog reader for a long time, I am trying to be better.

-We leave on Thursday for our road trip, the kids are excited-so am I. I get to crochet the whole way...David will be driving. :D

-chocolate, I wish I had some. :)

-Fireflies is my current ring tone.

-AE wears vanilla ''perfume'' and each time she puts it on she says, "yum, I smell like a cupcake.'' :D

-I'm going to try to blog this week, daily.

-for now, I'm going to stop, so you can be spared anymore reading. :D

Happy week to ya!

The exception...

2010-01-15T10:37:00.003-05:00

I finally watched, "He's Just Not That Into You" recently. I'd heard about it & had actually rented it from Redbox before but got a non working dvd.

It was cute. Typical, chick flick, girly, cute. I liked it.

I loved the blatant honesty of it. Although it was based on man/woman relationships and the dance that is involved there, I think the truth, the core truth of the 'points' of the movie apply to all relationships.

My favorite character was, of course, the consummate player (Justin Long). He became the advise giver to the 'tries to hard to tame the players in her life' Gennifer Goodwin. Gennifer Goodwin's character cracked me up.

Of course, yall have probably all seen it, but I don't want to spoil it if you haven't so I'll not give a full on 'review.'

The movie left me thinking (as does everything...lol) if you are doing all the giving in friendships or relationships then you can't beautify that into something other than it is...they simply aren't that into you. That doesn't make them bad or you bad...it means, for whatever reasons, the effort isn't worth it for them.

My favorite part of the movie? When Justin Long realizes Gennifer Goodwin was right. That he had shut himself off emotionally by being a player for so long (look! I'm a hopeless romantic at heart-I just am, shoot me.) Gennifer Goodwin, using a line he'd fed her earlier in the movie, looks at him and says, "I'm the exception.'' To which he replies, ''You are my exception."

*happy sigh*

Don't settle for less than being "The Exception"

thinkerly thoughts...

2010-01-05T07:20:00.002-05:00

so this morning, i'm reading ye olde bible ... Phillippians (if it matters...because the reading text didn't speak to the thought I had) and I was hit with this thought...

Aren't all our prayers selfish?

NOW do not run away with that. We are commanded to pray with out ceasing (I know). It was just a neat thought to ponder (ponder it a bit, will you, then comment, maybe?) and to link it with Jesus reminding us to DIE DAILY to the flesh.

He knows our nature...and knows our hearts...and our motivation without him would be hopelessly selfish. The prayers offered, even now, may still serve to 'selfish' ends...but with a God tuned heart--the mode of prayer is pure.

Make sense?

Not saying it's inspired thought...just saying I had it.

Whatcha think???

Cinco de January-o

2010-01-05T01:03:00.002-05:00

Just not the same, huh?

It's 1 a.m. -- sleep isn't coming easy tonight.

I go through this-insomnia on occasion. I'm sure I could drink less coffee or diet coke...or stand on my head, or only walk if my left foot leads or take Tylenol p.m.... and I suppose if it were a TRUE issue, one that riddled me week after week, I'd consider something. Alas, it happens occasionally usually stress related or busy-ness related. It works out in a few days...but as of tonight. I'm wide awake.

So hello!

This will probably be random...welcome to my brain. :)

I got snail mail on Monday (I started to type today...because FOR ME until I go to bed...it's still that day...but alas for the sake of YOUR brain I am clarifying. :) ) a beautiful card with a handwritten message that made my heart smile.

In the last week or so I've gotten two emails from people that made me pause. They were beautiful emails, full of the kindest things, words like ''you'll never know how much you encourage me'' and ''you inspire me in my faith'' words that I honestly, truly feel honored to read. Words that I read and think, ''me, they are talking about me?''

I don't say that to fish for compliments or garner praise. I say that because I think honestly...do you know me??? I so struggle with me. I have a heart that longs to be wholly devoted, to follow hard after God, to honor Him. But yall, I have this flesh...this flesh that I battle daily. I'm snarky, moody, sarcastic, I have little patience and sometimes I want to just be mean. I am like a toddler, so often, I just pitch fits (mostly internally, with God and he kindly just lets me work on through it)--but nothing in me feels like I even come close to being something someone else would see and think ''ah, she has a faith I can see...''

On the other hand, reading those words does something to my spirit that I cannot describe. I am such a sucker for words. Prose...poems...quotes...well written books....all pull me into their magic. I am surprised my love language isn't ''words of affirmation''-I truly am, because well spoken words, encouragement can fuel me for days.

I am struggling lately. Not wrestling with an angel struggling. Not miserable, woe is me, struggling. I'm struggling with me. I'm struggling with who I am, who I want to be one day. I feel a little lost, honestly. My life was defined. Now it's not. The thing is, was it really defined or do I just assume it was? I have a very blessed life. I do. I am happy. In my soul, I have joy. I just am not sure of the living space. You know how when you move into a new house or apt, you spend the first week or two or year...throwing garbage under the sink even though the garbage is in the pantry -- because you were so used to how things were at your old apt. THAT is kinda what I feel. I'm working through it. The new 'house' is nice...I just gotta locate everything & get settled into things a bit.

They are giving snow here on Friday...my kids are sooooo excited.

My friend, Heather, is driving through Wednesday and I'm not going to be able to meet her...typically when she drives through from her visits with her mom we meet...I can't this time and it makes me sad. :(

Ah, I suppose it time to attempt sleep. 5 a.m. arrives regardless of how much I've rested previous to that wake up alarm. :)

Happy Tuesday--make it happy.
Choose Joy.

Expectations...

2010-01-04T10:59:00.002-05:00

I was talking with my brother the other day. We were kidding around and saying how from now on we were just going to not expect anything of people...or expect the worse from them...that way IF something good happened, if they surprised you and followed through on something--then you just got to be really impressed. Overall though, you just expected nothing--so anything was a nice surprise.

However, life isn't really like that, is it? (and my personality is not one that swims around in negative so I can't really think like that anyway...)

Expectations occur & often are dashed--and you deal with muddling through disappointment, all based on your expectations.

Christ reminds us to keep our minds stayed on Him. A heart and mind focused on Christ gains perspective--clear vision.

No doubt.

But, when you are human & live in a temple of flesh--sometimes walking out that reminder proves more difficult.

I think to pretend to have no expectations, is unrealistic. But I think sometimes our experiences and our personalities play into our expectations. We end up putting more on someone, expecting more from them , wanting them to prove something...that really isn't about them at all-- it's isn't their thing to carry. But we've put it on them, all in the name of expectations.

I don't think that means you expect nothing. I just think it means you adjust your expectations--make sure the expectations you have are fair.

We can't expect things from others that we aren't willing to give ourselves & we also have to be willing to accept when others show you who they are, that we believe them.

One of my goals this year is to work through my insane desire to KNOW...to control...to over think. Expectations are part of all of that mess that is my brain. :)

So here's to being less like me & having a mind more stayed on Christ.

He will always, always meet my expectations.

October...really???

2010-01-03T11:06:00.003-05:00

I last posted in October?

Really?

Facebook has made me a poor blogger--not that I was a rich blogger before, but yeah, it is far too easy to superficially report on ''what I'm doing'' via FB than keeping steady on the old blog. However, I do miss it. It's just hard to get back into the routine. I miss the day to day though and so I am making a new effort.

I typically have a theme for each new year...along with a verse--I haven't had anything solidified this year...other than ''metamorphosis'' ... all things new... that's what keeps rambling around in my mind. I'm going with it-until/unless something changes. :)

2009 was a big year, in so many ways. My Daddy said the other day, ''if I were to write a book , I'd leave out the chapter for 2009.'' Yes, it was that kind of year--lots of different things going on, on lots of different levels.

In a lot of ways 2009, when looking back, seems as if I am looking onto (into?) someone else's life-as if I am seeing them, not myself. To say it was a hard year, would be an understatement. To say it was easy, would be a lie. I saw sickness, heartbreak, sadness, pain, longing, frustration, angst and hope. I don't know that I will ever understand 2009. But I understand that God was with me, under girding me, carrying me along & I can rest in that when nothing else makes sense.

2010--doesn't that sound terribly futuristic? Shouldn't we have jetpacks or something? I am looking forward to 2010. I want my faith to grow. I want to be a better mom and friend. I want to walk in faith and not fear. I want to LIVE OUT LOUD. I don't want to be frivolous...but I want to walk in the now to take advantage of every second God gives.

January is here & it holds some new things for me. I'm going to have to face to challenges. I'm going to have to step up and do things I've never done...but I want to look back when January is done and mark that ''to do'' off the list & I want to feel that sense of satisfaction of knowing *I* did it...me, Cheri, making a way. I'm not brave--but I sure want to be...

January also holds a road trip. We are going to Mississippi to visit former church members. The last time we visited Nathan was 3 (and had one of his febrile seizures while there...complete with a trip to the ER) and Daniel was 1. Now, they are 11 & 9 ... and I've added two more munchkins to the mix. I love road trips-especially ones that lead you to folks that are like family.

My camera is broken...sigh...it is still usable-with a certain amount of finesse...but overall it's broken and that makes me sad. Really sad. BUT it's a thing-and we love people and not things (that's what I tell my kiddos, all the time) but that doesn't make me not want a Nikon D300 :D

Alrighty, I have four kiddos at varying levels of sick. None are terrible...all are stuffy, coughing, snotty & one is fevered. School starts back tomorrow--the break was nice, but I think we are all looking forward to the routine.

Here's to a good year...to living one day at a time...to doing a little something everyday that's something you've never done. I hope to grow this year--I hope to be changed--I hope to be more, than I ever imagined.

Praying that for yall too!

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-28T07:46:00.001-04:00

blog
Originally uploaded by Kudzu and Koolaid

{a few words...i miss my favorite fall shoes}

random spurts of thought

2009-10-28T07:18:00.005-04:00

This morning, already feels off kilter. LOL

It's that whole change thing...

Today I slept in till 6 a.m. and I'm letting the kids sleep in till 8--that's an hour more than usual, for each of us.

I'm doing a little experiment with our school day-seeing if a bit of extra sleep, actually works toward making the mornings a bit smoother and school a bit easier to get started.

We'll see.

I'm drinking coffee and my mind has about a million and six thoughts.

Very few of them are cohesive. (maybe that's my normal? no? lol)

I tend to over think things, to assign greater importance to things than needed. I'm working on that.

I'm thinking about Christmas-already.
Or maybe not already, I mean they have the stuff out in stores so that I'm thinking of it-maybe is timely. LOL
Regardless, I'm thinking of Christmas & have in mind some things for the makings of a happy Christmas morning.

My coffee cup is low.

I need a manicure...I *want* a manicure. Heh.

Today is national chocolate day. :)

Typically breakfast is not a big appeal to me, however, this morning I want something & nothing sounds good.

I'm not sure my boys will ever enjoy cursive writing. They both prefer print. They know, or have been taught the mechanics of cursive, and can sign their name (oh, that makes them legal!) so I suppose all is good--but I just never imagined cursive writing would be a 'bump' in our homeschooling road.

I told my friend Renee last night that I want a really good day. And as I told her, my life is very blessed. I am not complaining or whining. I just want one of those days where you wake up with a happy song in your head. The temp is about 70, the sky is the perfect shade of spring blue with fluffy clouds. Your coffee is good & you get snail mail (fun snail mail, not bills!) to boot. You know what I mean, THAT kind of day. :)

I'm trying to get back into the daily 'do' of blogging.
Thus, today's spew of general nothings. :)

For now, I need to start my day.
I hope yours is a good one. :D

The control freak in me...

2009-10-27T06:54:00.002-04:00

I like control.

I mean, I guess most people do. I mean is there a large number of people that just thrive on disorder and chaos?

{perhaps...lol}

But not me. I like to plan. I like schedules. I like order. I like neat and I like tidy.

I have this idea in my head and the hardest thing is what LIFE has the nerve to not adhere to that plan.

It's easier, when your children are younger to kind of have blanket control without seemingly like a control freak. :) However, as your kiddos get older you begin to realize that releasing them is part of the process, and in that process of releasing them, you have to then release---control. ACK!

To say that God is growing me, would me a huge understatement. I feel stretched and pulled and tired and pouty, a lot.

But I am finding that it IS going to be ok. That I don't HAVE to know what is happening next. That I don't have to PLAN it...because HE is already there. He's paved the way.

I'm finding that as long as things get done...that it doesn't matter if they go on my schedule. That I don't have to micromanage things. Also, micromanagement doesn't ensure the desired outcome (doh!) it just lets you see the over zealousness in outline form--it sort of mocks you and your plan/s.

So most days, well a lot of days lately I'm finding grace.
I'm finding out that sometimes you just need to chill.
I'm seeing that stopping and being instead of moving and doing is good too.
I'm realizing that there is freedom for me, in letting go of something that HE's holding anyway.

There is peace there.

Give peace a chance.

Kudzu and Koolaid

This one's for the girls...

draped

The girl he raised...

so long, self...

esoteric

The First Stone (archives)

Rememberance Stones

Swirly...

a taste for more...(from the archives)

i pray

gentle reminders

Iridescent (instant replay, archiving purposes)

hot [mixed up] mess

it's all in who you know...

What I know now...

thinkerly...

Rebuilding [the series]

Glory, Glory to ol Auburn ...

the importance of being earn...er, um, naked

tap...tap...is this thing on???

Where is the dreamer...

Come to the party...

Land that I love

Christmas doesn't really work out for me...

threads showing...

Wordless Wednesday

Me too...

I just call him Daddy...

paralyzed potential

Finding their way...

Covered...

Natalie Rose "Nattie" York

Commanded to ... love

The Summer Project...

What they became {memorial day}

skimming the surface

things making me happy...

anyway...

finding the happy

stronger

and have ourselves a snack...

Four

More answers...

More answers to burning questions...

The one where I answer your questions...

Cinco De Mayo

something

Things making me happy....

careful with those...you'll put a heart out

Perception IS reality

Tis the gift to be simple...

Searching for Significance

long night

hold on loosely...

holding wishes in her hands

Indeed!

Be gentle with the broken ones...

Remembering...

Speaking the language...

Step outside the box...He's there too

Who I'm are...

Wasted days, a wasted knight...

Honey, I'm home!

I'll take some of that...

the hard stuff...

say what you need to say

carrying the hammer

the darkest day, the brightest Light

the difference between a doormat and a doorway...

What we're all saying...

happy birthday to my Daddy...

THIS is the perfect planting outfit...

it's never what it seems...

caution...process in progress

been thinking...

Fat Tuesday...

the one where I get really excited that we are halfway through February...

happy gooey hearts day...

Mixed bag of stuffs (bullet format...probably...lol)