not yet...

it's never in church that they doubt us...
in church , within the walls ... we are in uniform
hands raised in worship
singing the songs
saying the words

but

when we cross the threshold
when the sanctuary turns into daily life...

when the sales associate is less than helpful,
when the kid is pitching a fit and rolling on the floor, all while the mom watches,
when the waitress gets the order wrong,
when the welfare mom ...with four kids...by three different dads gets pregnant...again (and needs assistance)

what do they think...then

we spend time, lots of it
being better ''Christians''
the bible studies,
the conferences,
the church services...

but how much time do we sacrifice to be more like Christ?

We confuse it, I think...

We do well with church...
with telling them what they need,
with giving to the homeless mission,
with praying for those without faith...

but...

what do they say about our Jesus...

What can they say...
when we are yelling JESUS LOVES YOU...
but our actions are screaming...
"NOT YET"

not yet...
you are too worldly

not yet...
you are too sinful

not yet...
you are too far gone...

we possess HOPE
and we hold it...
tightly
guarded
protected.

are we scared?

of what?

that if we share that grace that saved us...
that what?

that they....them...

with change???

Don't you see it?

People are hurting
wounded
addicted
tired...

looking for something to believe
and we have JESUS.

all to ourselves
neat and tidy
wrapped up on Sunday.

But.
look where we find Him...
-hanging out with a hooker...
-a crazy demon possessed man...
-a money swindler...
-a blind beggar...
-a leaper...

the ones society, the church...
shunned

Jesus

sat with...talked to
ate with..
spoke truth to
and
changed...

Jesus was on a life mission. He wanted the ones most rejected...neglected...bitter and sinful
to know...

15 Later Jesus and his disciples were at home having supper with a collection of disreputable guests. Unlikely as it seems, more than a few of them had become followers. 16 The religion scholars and Pharisees saw him keeping this kind of company and lit into his disciples: "What kind of example is this, acting cozy with the riff-raff?" 17 Jesus, overhearing, shot back, "Who needs a doctor: the healthy or the sick? I'm here inviting the sin-sick, not the spiritually-fit."

Mark 2:15-17

and it is what they still need to know...

that there is no sin too big...

there is no muck too deep...

there is no choice too bad...

no point of no return...

they need to know,

that HE

that we...

love them.

That grace is amazing ... that mercy is theirs

and that He is not finished with them...

not yet.

This one's for the girls...

I like you. Do you like me?

[ ] yes [ ] no

and so begins our affair with love...

pick me...
choose me...
me...
me...
me...

With Ludicris proclaiming...

...i'm only gonna break your heart and shatter and splatter it all into little bitty pieces. Whether or not you get it all together, then it's finders keepers and losers weepers...

Rhianna pleads...

...want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world. like I'm the only one that you'll ever love. like I'm the only one that knows your heart...

When you take a heart that wants to be the only one that you'll ever love and mix it with a motive to only break your heart...

you end up with pieces of your soul torn away...

and you listen and believe...

and Adele plaintively rolls around with you and you think it's not crazy to want someone else like him.

you know.

him.

the one currently responsible

for the condition of your heart....

and Tammy Wynette, from the distant past, tells you, 'he's just a man.'

and Kelly Clarkson reminds you, '' he don't know nothing bout you.''

When the truth is, he does. He does know. He knows your soul.

But it's far easier to bellow angsty, woman power lyrics than it is to acknowledge the pain.

and it gets confused, this thing we learn to call love...

But love, as defined by The Great Love is this:

it doesn't flit around, because it is patient...

it doesn't deliberately cause pain, because it is kind...

it doesn't test the waters...see what else is out there...or volley between people, because it does not dishonor others and isn't self seeking...

it doesn't get snarky and manipulative and retaliate, because it is not easily angered...

it doesn't remind you of your past, because it doesn't keep score...

it doesn't find any measure of pay off in telling lies, because it rejoices in truth...

it doesn't hurt, because it protects.

it doesn't misled, because it trusts.

it doesn't give up, because it always hopes.

and

it doesn't walk away, because it preservers.

Love is worth fighting for but it is not something for which you are always fighting...

Love is not optional.

...

What's the word for when your heart breaks and you never intended for it to...

what is that sound, you swear, it must be audible...

death...click

betrayal...click

fired...click

miscarriage...click

cancer...click

click...
click...
click..

the words fall through muddled understanding...
you hear them
but you can't be hearing correctly...
can you?
you can't seem to distinguish the intonation...
over
the
clicking...
the clicks,
your heart, marking moments...
moments you never, ever imagined...

your breath stuck
somewhere between actually breathing...

you make it through the moment...
the day...
and your heart has the audacity
to keep beating...

our hearts break and we recover...
because the God that created us put within us a desire...

a strength to believe
better things will happen

a longing to become
what He intended

a promise to listen
when we cry out , ''why'' ...

a resilience that whispers
through a sadness that catches your breath...still

LIVE

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of..."

John 10:10 MSG

draped

Prancing around, flaunting the fashion...
the finest
the best...
in your own eyes
but much like the emperor,
you are naked...

but the lies you chose to believe
the stories you tell yourself
have you clothed
grandly.

ignore the pain
drown the sorrow
run from the reality

the cozy clothes of nakedly numb
fall so comfortably around
fit so well
the mirror of avoidance
perpetuates the lie
that
you
look
just
fine

fantastic even

only you don't feel fantastic
you don't feel
anything

so it's easier
to pretend
to model the latest fad of forgetting
anything
so that you don't have to dress...
in naked vulnerability...

so you'll swim in stagnant waters of a wounded soul...
you'll play at a game that you are bound to lose,
you'll settle for less
because it doesn't demand more...

and you'll believe
it's haute couture

but

there is a dressing room
where He waits...
and He wants to let you see,
that what is broken
can be beautiful.
what is battered
can be redeemed...
what you've cheaply traded...
He longs to restore.

The garment He wraps you in...
is just the right size...there is more than enough...

Grace

you wear it well...


Grace mixed with faith and love poured over me and into me. And all because of Jesus.

1 Timothy 1:14 The Message

The girl he raised...

I am the daughter of a preacher.

A Southern man.

Without airs and pretense, a firm believer in duct tape.

His collar blue, tinged with red.

The man that raised me, as you may have assumed, isn't a big fan of psychology and thus missed out on any realization that the right way to raise me was to hang on me the mantle of Princess.

My Daddy is a hard worker and balks at laziness...
It never occurred to him to let me be anything other than the girl he raised...

before my first manicure, I knew the value of putting your hands to work and finishing a job...
before ever relying on pilates, I knew the satisfaction that can only come from working your body physically to exhaustion and the strength that it builds...
before creams and potions littered my counter top , I knew the blush given by a day of working in the sun...

I never attended a cotillion....I wasn't introduced to society as a debutante...

I never lacked because I was equipped with the ethic to do what needs to be done. There is no job that is below my station and that beans and cornbread when eaten with a thankful heart-fills a part of your heart and soul that the most dignified palate fails to enjoy.

today I spent six hours working outside...
as I loaded and unloaded six truckloads full of limbs and brush. I thought a lot about the girl I am.

the girl that enjoys a pedicure, day at the spa and the salon that serves chilled water and wine...
the way twelve hundred count sheets feel against freshly showered skin...
the taste of Godiva...

is the same girl that can haul and carry fifty pound sacks of chicken feed and shoot a twelve gauge.

I don't fit a demographic or cast a glance down at those that might...

My lineage is the working class...

it's a privilege.


"That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on"

so long, self...

ever heard that song? So Long, Self by Mercy Me? No? Give it a listen. I've been singing it to me all day. :)

because today I have needed it. it seems saturday awoke, ready to trip me up...or either I wallowed around a bit this a.m. before realizing, ''uh, self...get over it.'' :)

But God ...see He is funnnnnnnnny and He keeps me humble.

This a.m. I may have sent an email to some friends lamenting various things in my life...one being...
my bad hair.
(my starting to grow out
was very dark brown
then lighter
then red
now red
with some blonde pulling through
oh wait
and then
the roots
where my REAL blonde hair is showing up and showing off at a good inch worth of growth)
hair.
oh and my bangs...remember I cut in bangs
and today
well I hate them too.

I am the very picture of vanity run a muck. :)

and tomorrow
(don't you dare.sing.Annie. to me...I may have bad red hair...but it ain't fuzzy today, at least!)

TOMORROW
I get to return to a former church my father pastored...
oh 21 years ago
when I was 16
and young
and untarnished by life
and funny
and blonde
really, truly, never met Miss Clariol at all
blonde

So
if you happen to be in LaGrange tomorrow
and you see someone clad in black
spackled in wrinkle cream
supported by Spanx
with very cutting edge roots on a fabulously bad color job...
that would be me...

But I got a pretty smile. :)


p.s. I have started back my Twitter account...mostly because, hmmm...i'm not really trying to trade distractions...mostly because twitter isn't a distraction at all...but it does allow me to spout off and share and catalog links and recipes and craft ideas and the like. It's like FB without interaction...hee :)

esoteric

this week I shared an email and in response was, ''you are having a most esoteric Lenten season'' :)

I would agree, in general, not just in terms of Lenten season...

it's friday. AE sits nearby styling a myriad of Barbies hair, the boys are huddled up in their room playing endless rounds of Fallout 3.

Pizza and cookies have been consumed, movies await.

and me...well, i'm finishing off day six of no Facebook. ...
was that my 'thing' I gave up for Lent?
the short answer, no. :)
dude, i'm baptist...we don't drink...we don't give up anything for Lent...
gosh. :)
(i kid, i kid...i mean we don't observe Lent...I was just being obnoxious in general and didn't want to offend. ...)


anyway, i digress...
I am taking, I suppose, a Spring Break... but that sounds so ..hmmm...I don't know. LOL I guess I really like FB, a lot. :) ... and I enjoy the conversations, the discussions, the post, the snark, the photos...the glimpses into others day to day. I like the interaction. Sue me. I don't feel like it's a huge time suck--UNLESS *I* allow it to be one. I don't play any games on FB. I take 45 seconds about 10 times a day (more or less) to post ''what's on my mind'' ... and then I flit around here and there seeing what's on other peoples minds. :)

You may not know this about me. I hear, well. My MIL-anyway, commented on this the other week when we were visiting...she and AE were in another room, I was busy in the kitchen and AE asked to do something and I said, ''no.'' MIL-anyway commented how I could hear... my kids can be in various conversations and I can follow along, while having my own... I don't know why-I don't think anything of it...it's just something I can do.

For me...lately, FB seems a bit noisy. Distracting. But it's NOT FB that is at fault. It's *meeeeeeeeeee* ... see, part of growing, changing, healing is hearing and listening. It should be noted that growing, changing and healing requires attention and stillness... so for me...a few weeks away from FB is just what my soul needs. I miss it like mad-and that is just the truth. :)

I am more than a teeny tiny bit excited that DST starts this weekend. Way more than a little. :)

I am in love with Skype, and talking to Mer in Germany.

I am also a wee bit addicted to Words with Friends. Wanna play? cjbrorsen = me :)

I have been reading a lot...various things...but reading & reading makes me happppppppy.

I had four packets of ranch dressing bust open in my purse-thanks to a kiddo that put them in there...so yeah...my purse smells of salad...nice :)

I currently have these lyrics stuck in my head:

"Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on, now,
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on your feet again.
Relax.
I'll need some information first.
Just the basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts"

It's Texas Week...er, well Monday starts that...and what that means is a bazillion drunken teens and co-eds will invade South Padre Island in TX and well, yeah...they won't remember and they'll wish they wouldn't have and some will have the time of their lives...but this time of year always reminds me of living off HWY 100...the only road to South Padre and seeing the massive caravans of kids headed to the beach...

I did 150 step ups on a 12 inch step today...and walked 4 miles ... sometimes you have to work harder, because for a time you didn't work at all. :)

I have accepted that there are things that I will never, ever understand or wrap my mind around. However, it doesn't stop me from asking why or trying to make it make sense. :)

I watched the news this a.m. ... Japan. Sigh. I wonder if America realizes our blessedness...how we haven't dealt with such calamity. Tonight my heart hurts for the devastation and my prayers are heavy toward that country.

My parents house is almost done. I am so so so happy for them...for the memories they will make there-for the hard work my Daddy has done to make my Momma a home...for being able to share in their joy.

My friend Dana, her marriage makes me want to be married...the majority of other marriages make me contentedly single. :)

My birthday is less than 100 days away.
WOOT!

I have big hair tonight...AE and I did our spa night and well, ''beachy waves'' left me looking more like a reject from the ''miss i'm to old to be a contestant in the miss texas pageant'' hair :)

i want chocolate
and diet mt dew
neither of which are in my house.

i also want gas to be about 89¢ a gallon. :)
(I mean, really! )

and it's almost midnight (ok almost eleven...but tomorrow it will be practically time to change our clocks...so it's basically midnight tonight by tomorrow's standards. :) (ha!)

and with that I bid you happy weekend and good night.

esoteric?
yes!